Greg Fitzsimmons: How to Be Funny

(Greg with Janet Reno)

(Comedian Greg Fitzsimmons will be posting here for the rest of the week, leading up to his Comedy Central Presents half-hour special this Friday at 9p / 8c.)

HOW TO BE FUNNY

Go to a Charity Bake Sale thrown by old ladies and talk them down on the prices.  Way down.  Using car-buying techniques like "The walk out", or tell the ladies that there is another bake sale down the street that seems better.  Watch 'em squirm.

While riding as a passenger in a car, begin honking at someone in a pedestrian cross-walk while he is waiting for someone to cross.   Especially if they are elderly or special needs. They will think it is the driver. 

Tell somebody the day after Halloween to take their costume off even thought they are clearly no longer wearing one.  The implication will be that they are unattractive.

Sneak onto a friend's computer and reply to some of his emails for him.  You can write messages that make him seem like he might be a gay. 

Go onstage at a comedy club and repeat the punch line of each joke slowly to one random person in the front row to imply that they are stupid.  The rest of the audience will feel like they are in on something special (and they will be).

Ask somebody for directions and then pull away when they begin speaking.  Laughter will be intensified by throwing garbage or beverages at them as you pull away.

When you are over a friend's house, change their outgoing message to their answering machine.  One that I like is: "Hi, this is____.  I can‚Äôt come to the phone right now I'm molesting someone.  I‚Äôm not kidding.  Please leave a message."

(You can read more about Greg on his website and watch his videos on his Comedians page.)