Pat Dixon: Gun-To-Your-Head-Sex
Pat Dixon's special Letters to Coogan continues as we count down to the premiere of his own Comedy Central Presents special, Friday 9:30p / 8:30c during Stand-Up Nation with Greg Giraldo. Do not forsake his tasty website, either.
Dear Coogan,
I wonder if you realize how completely dominant you are in my mind. Thoughts of you control all thoughts of other things. I’ll be thinking of something like caterpillars, and then the thought of you comes along and squashes that thought like a bug. I’ll be thinking of Abraham Lincoln when the thought of you will come up from behind and blow the top of that thought’s head off before jumping down from the balcony and yelling something in Latin. I’ll be thinking of the American Indians, and you’ll sweep westward across my mind with your forked tongue and empty promises, handing out blankets infected with smallpox.
Coogan. Do you know how much I care for you? No. You don’t understand love and I can’t explain it to you. How does a person with sight explain colors to a blind man without getting impatient and just yelling “Ah, shit, man, you just don’t GET IT!” How can you explain beautiful music to a deaf person? They can’t even talk right. Coogan, trying to teach you about love is like trying to explain to infants how much they stink or trying to teach dead people how to ski.
And yet I still can’t keep my mind off of you. You’re like
Tarzan swinging through my mind in a loincloth, hollering absurdly from
your vine. You’re like Alfred E. Newman, staring back at me from the
cover of a Mad magazine, daring me to open you up and see what funny
surprises lay inside. You’re like Spiderman, creeping up the side of
my brain, slinging your black, sticky webs and making out with Kirstin
Dunst.
You don’t seem like one of those girls who makes out with other
girls. That’s just not your thing, eh? I’m thinking it would take a
lot of liquor. Either that or a pistol of at least .357 caliber
pointed directly at your head. Either way, I think we should do it.
Can you see how that would be a turn on? You haven’t had sex, Coogan,
until you’ve had bisexual, loaded-gun-to-your-head sex. I promise you,
it’s as fun as it sounds.
I’ll treat you good, Coogan. I’ll treat you real good. When we
get started everything’ll be normal. Then I’ll turn up the heat with
some of my patented Pat Dixon sex moves. You might like the Tiger
position. Basically, the tiger bends over and gets grabbed by it’s fur
and nailed from behind. Then there’s the Monkey position. It’s pretty
much just like the Tiger position except with more squealing.
Pretty soon, there’ll be an earthquake deep in your belly and a
tsunami in your underpants. Let’s get ready to rumble! Hundreds of
thousands could die, but we won’t care. Because when a man loves a
woman, it can get pretty messy.
Until next week.
Give me all your lovin’,
all your hugs and kisses, too,
Pat Dixon
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