Kyle Cease: The worst gig I have ever had, Pt. I

(Kyle Cease's Comedy Central Presents special airs Friday at 10p / 9c. Check out his official website and his MySpace page) for a preview.

April 29th 2006

Tomorrow I get to go home. I have been on an insane college tour and I cant believe that I get to finally go home. I am so exhausted. Its weird. I have learned so many things on this last tour. There really is quite a list. However, out of everything I have learned, the most important life lesson that I can share with you is this; If you ever become a college comic and have to do 100 colleges, Do not perform at the University of Tennessee in Martin.

I have performed literally since I was 12 years old. I know that all comics have had bad nights, but if you and I were ever playing the game, "Would you rather" and you gave me the choice of, doing a 5 minute performance at Tennessee for a ton of money, or eat a Dom Deluise rectum sandwich, made with fresh Deluise rectum. I would think about it for 10 minutes and pick the show.

My point is that I still had to think about it for a while. Yes, no one would eat a rectum sandwich over doing a show and I apologize if you are one of those people who gets excited because they think that I would do that. This actually is not really a "type of person" but the truth is thats so gross.

I don't even care if I had written notarized proof that it was clean and I wouldnt get sick from eating the sandwich. Its still Dom Deluise, who is old and fat. You might point out that he is a star, but he still was in Cannonball Run II, "Cannonball Runner".

My point is that I had to think about it. Come on people! Cannon. Ball. Run . . . TWO!!! Who would eat a rectum sandwich with anyone's rectum from that movie? No one.