Kyle Cease: The worst gig I have ever had, Pt. II

(Kyle Cease's Comedy Central Presents special airs Friday at 10p / 9c. Check out his official website or this clip for a preview.

I flew into Nashville Tennessee. Martin is a 2 hour drive from there. It was early February and I was exhausted from 3 flights that were all delayed, which I guess is way better then if the first flight was delayed and then the other 2 were on time. Im not good at making a dramatic point sometimes.

So I finally get to the venue. The hotel is your standard hotel, with a nice bed, color TV, feces and a shower. The guy from the school picks me up, and takes me over to the show. I find out right then that I will be hosting a step competition in the gym. This is already a nightmare. There are 4 places that stand-up comedy does not belong:

1. In the center of a gym.

2. When hosting a step show.

3. On top of a delicious milkshake.

4. In Martin, Tennessee.

I didnt know what a step competition was at first. Then it was described to me. Fraternities and sororities compete in a fabulous event; moving at the same time. The more same time that they move, the more they will have people yelling with southern accents at them at the same time. Then they go to the library to drink, 'cause that's what they think libraries are for.

The thing is, the audience is basically there only to yell for their friends in between shooting pistols and not to see a comedian, especially one who doesnt say "Get-R-Done." (I am not sure if I spelled that phrase correctly, at least it was grammatically correct. (Whatever happened to "Get It Finished!" (Maybe I should have the phrase "Accomplish Challenges!" then I will be the Gifted Cable Guy. Hell, maybe I will fix more then cable. Maybe I will actually remodel the whole house! (a fourth set of parenthesis!))))

So the guy who introduced me put down his 6th beer, walked into the middle of the gym floor while the entire audience was arguing with each other about how late Wal-Mart was open that particular night. He then, with everyone talking said something like "y'all, here's comedians". That was it. No "Can I get your attention?" No "Hey everybody, you might want to be respectful because you are all being creatively rude."

So I walk up to that intro which of course got everyone on my side (sarcasm). I had not even received the chance to get a word out. I grabbed the microphone and one of the three thousand people in the gym yelled "f*ggot" INTO A MEGAPHONE. I had a completely anonymous heckler who actually brought a megaphone so that when he said his awful, invalid, prejudice word. How the hell do you fight that? Of course the lemmings around him thought that was a genius idea and actually took turns yelling into more then one megaphone "f*ggot" at me. I had not said a word and I wasnt having sex with men in front of them, so I don't understand. I tried to talk for a minute, but it was seriously like telling jokes to a volcano, except volcanoes are smarter and dont use megaphones.

They expected me to go out there and host a show, meaning go out there SEVEN TIMES! I told them I would not do it, walked off stage and took my check.

The first guy who yelled at me, came up to me all excited and said "DUDE! I YELLED F*GGOT AT YOU, GET-R-DONE! RACING IS A SPORT! INVADING IRAQ! YOU WANNA COME GET DRUNK WITH US?" He actually thought that I wanted him to yell that during the show. I then distracted him with a math problem and left.

* denotes the letter "a"