Ketchup: The Greatest American Condiment
As Memorial Day approaches, many Americans will be taking this long weekend to ponder spacious skies, amber waves of grain and purple mountains majesty. Those people are maukish wusses. No Ameican worth his salt gives a malingering stove-bolt about skies and grain and large geological landmasses. That's environmental crap, and that's for the hippies.
What real American care about is ketchup. That's right, ketchup. (Yes, ketchup.) Ketchup is the most American of all condiments, and it has a thousand-and-one uses. You can put it on your hamburgers and hotdogs, you can mix it into vanilla ice cream for a frozen tomatoey treat, you can scrub your floor with it, you can hurl bottles of it at hippies, you can fill your bathtub with it as a special feature of your monthly paraphilia parties, and you can freeze large blocks of it and then chip it into ketchup sculptures of Karl Rove. What's not to love?
One thing you should not attempt, however, is to make your own. It's time-consuming and boring. Justin Dullum lays out the case against on McSweeney's.
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