Dear America, Pop Culture, telephones and the Internet:

Thank you for this: Hollywood is Calling.

"Now for the first time ever you can have a real celebrity make a live phone call to someone you know for just $19.95. You can also purchase an email video greeting card with a message from your favorite star for just $5. Whether it's for a special occasion or just for the fun of it, there's no better way to impress a client, sweetheart or a friend. "

That's actually true. I paid David Keith to call Comedy Central and renact scenes from Firestarter until they broke down and gave me this job.