Future President Maddox Jolie-PittEvery year in December I like to jump forward in time a bit to see what the next year has in store. This year the ol' Time Machine was on the fritz and it accidentally sent me into 2047. I can't tell you too much about future history, but I can tell you this: it rhymes with "Bisaster of Diblical Ploportions."

So this year instead of resolutions I have advice for future generations:

  • Must discourage cloning. Do NOT let Pam Anderson III and Kid Rock 2.0 mate.

  • Advise President Jolie-Pitt to "Stay the Course" in Mars-Iraq

  • Develop condoms for robots. You don't even want to know why.

  • Hang on to that copy of Playing With Fire. When a "Popo Zao" remix is used in an episode of the 2045 sitcom Relative Bonds, Kevin Federline's music will enjoy a short-lived success-spree*.

  • Remember: not every guy holding a wand is Harry Potter.

  • STOP putting Baby in a corner!

    • *This joke is the winner of the 2006 Obscure Reference Award.

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