Tuesday's Headlines: Haggard is Hetero!
According to the New York Times: "Haggard Pronounced 'Completely Heterosexual.'" It seems that after "three weeks of intensive counseling" with four ministers, Ted Haggard (the former President of the National Association of Evangelicals and advisor to George W. Bush, who confessed to having sex with a homosexual prostitute and sucking down meth by the wheelbarrowful) has received his official Certificate of Heterosexuality.
It turns out that Haggard was never gay to begin with. He was simply a straight guy who enjoyed having homosexual sex with a homosexual man. Also, he never actually ingested any methamphetamines. He simply put them inside his body.
The U.S. House of Representatives announced today that it will be following the Senate's lead by introducing and eventually abandoning a resolution to stave off the President's proposed troop escalation in Iraq.
According to one Representative, "We owe it, not only to our troops in Iraq, but to future generations of our troops in Iraq."
Yesterday, former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani announced that there is an almost 99% chance that he's almost certain to be be probably running for President in 2008.
What sets him apart from the other 3547 people who've already announced their candidacies? Well, he's the only Republican so far who's pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control, and pro-Sleepless in Seattle. So, what sets him apart is that he has 0% chance of winning.
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