Democratic Battle Royale!

While Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Joe Biden grab all the headlines with their Presidential campaigns, scores–nay, throngs!–of other potential Democratic candidates are being virtually ignored by the media. That's why McSweeney's is offering this handy run-down of the Top 20 candidates so the American people can be more informedly jingoistic.

Some highlights…

Dennis Kucinich
Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.
Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.

Jimmy Carter
Pro: Nobel Prize winner; available; just as good at not knowing what the hell to do about Iran as anyone else.
Con: Judging by photos, approximately 415 years old.

Allen Iverson
Pro: Instant offense.
Con: Selfish with the ball; may have lost a step.

Optimus Prime
Pro: Size; power; ability to emit short-range optic blasts.
Con: Potential attack ad: "Sometimes Optimus Prime is a robot, other times a truck. Which is it, Mr. Prime? America deserves a leader that doesn't transform whenever it's convenient."

Zombie Lyndon Johnson
Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; '60s-era campus unrest has died down.
Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit campaigning.

Al Gore
Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of restrooms.
Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.

Read all twenty…