Guest Columnist Steve Byrne Discusses His Impending Fame

Well, my very first one hour special!  On Comedy Central!  Oh, man, have I hit paydirt.  I am going to be soooooo famous from this.  My life is going to change in so many ways. 

First, I am pretty sure I am going to have to get rid of most of my friends.  I'll just be too cool to hang out with most of them.  While they still do the things "we" used to, like go to the mall and eat at Cinnabon and Wetzels Pretzels, I'll probably be in a helicopter surveying land to build new Hot Topic and Forever 21 stores. I'll stop eating at my favorite places, like Chick Fil A and Arby‚Äôs. Most likely I'll dine where celeb's eat, Planet Hollywood.  I'll have to wear my sunglasses while I order a "Stop or my mom will Shoot a Whiskey Sour".  I hope no one recognizes me there while I get to know my new cool friends, the Full House!  Yeah, I'd be friends with Stamos, Coulier and Sagat.  We'd just talk about being stars and hot ass. 

Speaking of hot ass, I am going to tear through Hollywood ass like
Willie Ames in the 70's.  I'll tap all the hot broads.  Kirstie Alley,
Ricky Lake, Judge Judy, Bea Arthur and I would do it with Bea Arthur,
just to say I did it.  I am going to have to slip a finger into Britney
at some point, just to keep my finger warm, that‚Äôs all.  I wouldn't do
it for the tabloids, I would do it because I could and if my finger or
two of them are cold, I would need to keep them warm. 

I'd have to adopt a child, from a foreign country.  Although I am
Asian, I would still go Asian, 'cause they just look so cute when they
are young.  I would actually adopt a panda and a small Chinese boy
together, because I could and that way they aren't lonely.  I would
feed them California Pizza Kitchen everyday.  One because its so darn
good and two because its expensive and I can afford it because I am a
celebrity. 

I'll probably be friends with my favorite musicians.  I'll just kick it
with the Captain and Tennille one night, then party with Richard Marx
the next.  I'll just have a revolving door of cool people I chill
with!  The Commodores (not with Lionel Richie) one moment, then the
Pips (without Gladys Knight) the next.  It's going to be so sweet. 

I'll own a pet turtle and make everyone wait until he keeps pace with
us whenever we walk anywhere, because I need to power trip over the
weak minded. There are just so many things I would do with my new found
fame, these are but a few. 

Right now, I am typing this myself.  Once I get famous, I'll hire ten
hot Swedish girls, each to have one finger on the keyboard of my
computer to type for me, all while dressed in Hooters outfits, because
I can!  So, this is most likely the last thing, my own, rich fingers
will type.  I hope you enjoy what you've read while I still communicate
with you peasants.