I Want You Insider Me: Making Love The Comedy Central Way

It's April 1st, so you know what that means. For the editorial staff of the Seattle Times, it's an excuse to roast that eternal Pacific Northwest chestnut, "Why the fuck is it so hard to get laid in this sun-forsaken town?"

The article in question: "When it comes to dating, show her the funny"

'If a guy can't make me laugh, it's just not going to work out,' said 31-year-old Amanda Caines, who works in photography production and lives in Tacoma.

And guys, in turn, also feel the heat to make a woman laugh on a date…

'It's about risk taking, it's about leadership, it's about someone willing to go out there and make a statement,' said Gina Barreca, an English professor at the University of Connecticut who studies gender and humor. 'Those are traits we associate with masculinity.'

Luckily for you, Comedy Central Insider lotharios Eric "The Long" March, Dennis "Bones" DiClaudio and Dustin "Priapism" Chinn, who have regulated hundreds of girlfriends of every shade, give this delicious fruit tart of romantic analysis their velvety tongue-tipped seal of approval.

As 79% of the women we've slept with have attested, it was our
encyclopedic knowledge and application of Simpsons quotes that prompted
the "raising of the vaginal portcullis," as the kids say.

So just follow our advice, and you'll be well on your way to getting your self-loathing, passive aggressive ass laid:

• If you're going on a date, dress up well in your best ironic
  t-shirt. If it says "Getting Lucky in Kentucky," chances are you'll be
  getting lucky too, in whatever state you live in.
• A well-placed pun is a great way to o-pun a woman's heart.
• Nothing gets a woman wetter, faster than an Arnold Schwarzenegger from "Kindergarten Cop" impression.
• On the third date, she may ask you to recite all of the lyrics to
  Weird Al Yankovic's "I Lost on Jeopardy." Make sure you are prepared.
  Come to think of it, you probably already are.
• If your date is a dinner date, order the funniest thing on the menu. This is usually the cod.
• Two words: fart
• Remember to leave the toilet seat up, because you will not see the
  problem in doing this, but she will get mad at you. In fact, this is a
  fundamental difference between men and women that you can endlessly
  exploit for humor throughout the course of the relationship. Am I
  right? Am I right?
• No woman can say no to a knight who says "Nee!"

And most of all, remember to take copious notes while you're dating around. This stuff is gold for your next open mic set.