Turding the Polish: The Dark Knight
You know the drill by now–I take a film which the nation's critics have deemed a steaming pile of cinematic sewage, such as The Love Guru or Hancock or Deuce Bigalow vs. Predator, and using my deft quote-dicing skills, make it sound like Citizen Kane In 3-D.
But occasionally I like to mix things up, which is why today I was planning on doing the exact opposite–taking a film which has been universally hailed as a work of genius, and turning it into Ishtar the Duck. I would do this mainly as a favor to all the other poor suckers whose movies have the misfortune to be opening this weekend–so producers of Space Chimps and Mamma Mia!, you can send the fruit baskets to my home office. (Coincidentally, it's the same address as my dad's garage.)
The premise was simple: I'd grab some choice clumps of praise, snip-snip here and there with hilarious results, unveil the masterpiece of "Turding the Polish: The Dark Knight," and be home kicking back with a Tecate faster than you could say "Mario Kart."
… at least, that was the plan. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that Turding this particular Polish* wouldn't be so easy. Just take a look at some of the gushfests I had to work with:
An explosively provocative [film]. … Exhilaratingly straightforward
action sequences matched by moral complexity of a sort not usually
associated with comic-book movie franchises.
The Dark Knight is a masterpiece, easily the strongest effort in the history of its genre and one of the best movies of the decade.
Whatever the causes, the effects of The Dark Knight are subtle and powerful. It's rejuvenating, it renews the faith.
Right about there was where I started to question this whole endeavor. However, I didn't spend my career becoming the world's greatest quote-whisperer just to accept defeat at the hands of a bunch of fawning critics angling for DVD-box immortality. Not without a fight! So, from Scott Foundas of The Village Voice:
The Dark Knight [sounds] like heavy stuff — and it is. But I
should add that [Christopher] Nolan also delivers the kick-ass goods, from an opening
bank heist a la Michael Mann to a climactic episode of vehicular mayhem
a la William Friedkin.
It may not be much, but baby, it's all I need.
*No Polish people were turded during the writing of this post.
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