Theo Von's Reality Bites Back Blog #2
I was fat as a child. Full in the gullet, they said I was. Heavy around the waist and neck. Stocky, livestocky. My ear lobes a constant glowing red from the pressure of the fat within. So when I learn that we are here to become the Biggest Chubby, I am torn between wanting to win, and being forced to face my fat past.
My coach ends up being some chunky guy that I can't name, but who is really nice. You can tell his is a full-time "snacker" as his breath smells like BBQ chips and pure salt. He says he can't see well sometimes because his cholesterol gets in his eyes and clouds his vision. I tell him that if he is to fall, I will carry the flag the rest of the way, and lead our team to victory.
Our team consists of myself, Chris "Snow Blood" Fairbanks (they call him that because he is cold hearted when it comes to competition), and Tiffany "Chatty Vag" Haddish (no one calls her that). Both of my teammates are quality individuals with a desire to win as strong as the desire of lightening to hit a kite and a key and start a revolution.
Our practicing is goes well. Chris and I both think Tiffany is our strongest eater, until she vomits everywhere and we call her names like B#%&H and WHOR@. At that point we elect myself to be the eater in a good old fashioned "Puddin Off."
Red Grant and I go head to head and eat as much pudding as possible. It's hard to eat the pudding when a lot of other things keep running through my mind. First off, when I look over at the other team, I keep getting this feeling like Bert Kreisher is already full of pudding, and I keep getting the feeling that Amy Schumer wishes she and I were made of pudding and making a "swirl." I also keep getting sick looking at Mo Mandel's pale Hebrew legs. They look like scared, hairy orphans, forced to support his waist and torso and ill head.
Before its over, I've defeated Red in the puddin' eating. I may have hid some in my pants, or I may have just digested some really fast, and put it there the "hard way." Nonetheless our team wins that round. But what it really all comes down too is to see who has gained the most weight overall.
I am shocked like a shell when Mo "Hair Orphan Legs" Mandel is declared the BIGGEST CHUBBY. I was sure that Bert "Skirt Steak" Kreisher was going to win. Thankfully, Mo picks me first to stave off elimination, and then I pick Chris Fairbanks, because he gave me a ride to set that day and I didn't want the car ride home to be awkward. Chris picks Bert, Bert picks Amy, and Amy picks Red, and Tiffany is the odd person out. We all take turns purging in unison, and separately. In the end someone cried, but I don't remember who. It may have been me. Or I may have made that up. Check me: www.theovon.com.
Related: Reality Bites Back Official Site
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