World's Oldest Jokes Discovered
Before Patton Oswalt's failure pies, before Henny Youngman's spousal abduction humor, before Aristotle's infamous "fart the Greek alphabet" party trick, even before a chicken crossed the road–our ancient ancestors were cracking wise. The University of Wolverhampton, which was apparently not made up for a skit about snobby British fops, recently compiled a list of the oldest known jokes.
Topping the list is this 4,000-year-old howler from the ancient Sumerians:
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.
I know, how many times has that happened to you? I blame the hummus. (To show you how far we've come, now they fart in cakes.)
In any case, the CC Insider Archaeology Action Team has managed to one-up those fancy-lads at Wolverhampton ("I say!") and uncover these six jokes which are even older:
- Q: What do you get when you cross a rampaging Mastodon with a ravenous saber-toothed cat?
A: I don't know, but it's scared to death of my wife's mother.
- Knock knock!
Who's there?
The development of agriculture.
Come back in a million years when my brain's a little bigger. Now excuse me while I go back to biting my butt.
- You guys know about this "fire" thing? You know, that hot orange stuff with the smoke and all that? What is the deal with that? Am I supposed to eat it? Sit on it? Have sex with it? Look at this guy in the front row looking embarrassed all of a sudden! Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about. Next time try it with the loincloth on before you get carried away, buddy!
- Q: How many Mesoamericans does it take to invent the wheel?
A: None of them.
- A Pithycanthropus Erectus, a Cro-Magnon and a Neanderthal walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What do you guys think of John McCain?"
- Thag fuck Matt Damon!
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