World's Oldest Jokes Discovered

Before Patton Oswalt's failure pies, before Henny Youngman's spousal abduction humor, before Aristotle's infamous "fart the Greek alphabet" party trick, even before a chicken crossed the road–our ancient ancestors were cracking wise. The University of Wolverhampton, which was apparently not made up for a skit about snobby British fops, recently compiled a list of the oldest known jokes. 

Topping the list is this 4,000-year-old howler from the ancient Sumerians:

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

I know, how many times has that happened to you? I blame the hummus. (To show you how far we've come, now they fart in cakes.)

In any case, the CC Insider Archaeology Action Team has managed to one-up those fancy-lads at Wolverhampton ("I say!") and uncover these six jokes which are even older:

• Q: What do you get when you cross a rampaging Mastodon with a ravenous saber-toothed cat?
  A: I don't know, but it's scared to death of my wife's mother.

• Knock knock!
  Who's there?
  The development of agriculture.
  Come back in a million years when my brain's a little bigger. Now excuse me while I go back to biting my butt.

• You guys know about this "fire" thing? You know, that hot orange stuff with the smoke and all that? What is the deal with that? Am I supposed to eat it? Sit on it? Have sex with it? Look at this guy in the front row looking embarrassed all of a sudden! Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about. Next time try it with the loincloth on before you get carried away, buddy!

• Q: How many Mesoamericans does it take to invent the wheel?
  A: None of them.

• A Pithycanthropus Erectus, a Cro-Magnon and a Neanderthal walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What do you guys think of John McCain?"

• Thag fuck Matt Damon!