Amy Schumer's Reality Bites Back Blog
Almost American Gladiators
I couldn't believe we were going to get to spoof this show. I grew up loving American Gladiators, especially the women. I always thought I would give the other team a shot if it were those chicks, especially Blaze. It reminded me of the time I went to basketball camp for 10 days and was pretty sure I was a lesbian because I was attracted to this one girl Nicole. But my roomate Kiana said, "Amy, you stupid! You just haven't seen a guy for almost 2 weeks and Nicole looks like a dude!"
She was right, I missed boys. I'm very straight, except sometimes I get attracted to women, if they're pretty and nice and funny. But anyway, that's not important.
I was excited. I thought, this will be so fun and SAFE. There is no way Comedy Central is going to pair us up with actual Gladiators. Woops, I was dead wrong. When our competition walked out, I wanted to crawl back into my mom's vagina and stay there until it was safe or until I got bored.
That shit was hard. First we had to mail our green card applications so we could get into the U.S. I finally knew how my housekeeper felt. Lupe had basically raised me from birth and all she wanted was to be a citizen. It really made me regret turning her in to immigration when she couldn't find my keys that one time. But it's all water under the bridge or as they say where she is from, it's all agua under the donkey.
I figured I would be in the bottom two. I always am. It was me and Red going head to head. Woohoo, sweet rhyme Amy! "For she's a jolly good fellow" (I'm singing). I was terrified. I was sure I was going home, but as it turns out, I'm great at US history, and Red doesn't remember anything that happened before yesterday. So I live another day. It's like I always say, don't fuck where you sleep, or shit wear you eat. Or something. See you next week.
I made it to America! Fuck yeah!
Comments