Chris Fairbanks Reality Bites Back Blog: Episode 5 – So You Think You Can Dive

I have one regret about episode #5, and it is that I accidentally made my technical dive too flawless. Yes, sometimes in life you’re punished for being too good at something. That’s just a fact I’ve had to get used to while growing up in a cruel, unfair world. For example, in art school I was held up to a higher standard because my paintings were terrific with little to no effort expended. So, I would be judged with elevated scrutiny, while the no talent hippie from Vermont sitting next to me would get an A for painting a brownish-yellow sun with a smiley face and a dreadlock glued to it because it took every inch of what little talent he had just to shit it out. In the case of Reality Bites Back episode 5, I was withheld the right of attempting my “Creative Dive,” because of the immunity I was granted after a perfect 1 & ½ technical dive off the 3 meter springboard. Which was then followed of course, by a series of lifeless walrus flops from my competitors.

My creative dive that was to follow was going to be amazing. I feel bad for everyone sitting poolside, including Greg Louganis, that they were forced to miss it. Here’s a description of how it was to be executed:

I was going begin my dive by climbing the ladder of the highest, 10-meter platform, crying and begging for my life while wearing bloody and tattered clothes. Following me was to be a hired actor playing an Indonesian Pirate. At his gunpoint, I was going to stand at the edge of the platform and demand he tell me "what they‚Äôve done with my boy."  After no avail, I was going to dangle from the edge of the platform by my hands for as long as I could hold on, continuing to plead for my life. Then finally, I was going to announce, ‚ÄúThis is for my apparently dead son!‚Äù then let go, hitting the water with very little splashing. When I rose back to the surface, was going to release a fake blood pack attached to my chest, and lay face down on the surface of the water until Bob the medic, swam over to save me. His pulling me to the edge of the pool would then have concluded my performance.

It was going to be dramatic and amazing…

O.K., now I’m tired of pretending to be cocky. To be honest, I’m afraid of swimming and of heights, and I’m not a big fan of competition among friends. The ‘So You Think You Can Dive’ episode was a great source of stress, and I was so relieved when it was over, as I was with most of the episodes. That’s not to say it wasn’t pleasurable. I simply have a hard time enjoying things as they happen. But then I really do have fun when I look at things in retrospect. And this episode was one of the most fun, competition-wise… probably cause it’s the only one I did well in. I can’t explain why my dive was the best one. I think it’s cause I practiced more during the 3 hours of training and I used to flip around on a snowboard growing up.

But man, I wish I could have done my creative dive!