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August 27th 11:40AM by Matt Tobey

Eugene Mirman Is Trying to Report on Some Shit

I eat oatmeal for breakfast like every morning. If that's how outrageous my day begins, you can imagine how things go from there. The point is, Hollywood is certain to buy my awe-inspiring life-story very soon for a large sum of money. And when they do and I become wildly wealthy, I will hire Eugene Mirman to follow me around and crack wise about stuff.

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