These are strange times we live in. What with the newfangled iPhones and the running shoes kids like wearing these days, it feels like we are living in the future. But there are still so many things no one's bothered inventing. Futurama isn't just a great show. It's also a call to arms for you to invent me cool things I want. Here's a partial list of the things from Futurama I want you to invent for me for Christmas.

The smelloscope is arguably the most useful invention ever invented. For one thing, you can smell smells that are really far away. Whenever I stalk random strangers, I have to satisfy myself with just watching and hearing them from a safe distance. Boooring! But with the smelloscope, I would know exactly who smells like a delightful blend of sandlewood and vanilla and who doesn't and I could judge them accordingly.

I guess we do have some spaceships, but they aren't as cool as the Planet Express ship. At the risk of sounding like an over-excited ten year old kid, let me explain why. First of all, it flies really really really really fast. For another, it has a laser cannon and shoots things in space! And lastly but not leastly, it goes all "whoosh" and "kaboom" all the time! I rest my case, dear reader.

During the day, I'm usually too busy being awake to give my undivided attention to commercials. Which is a shame because they're so culturally important. Without them, we wouldn't have the "where's the beef" lady and then what would I quote from when I looked down at my tiny penis? Also, it is scientifically proven that product placement makes films ten times better, so the same must be true of dreams.

I don't really play any instruments, unless you count playing the bongos, which you shouldn't because it takes no skill (sorry bongo players, but I arbitrarily decided this just now). But if the holophoner were real, I would mothereffin' shred on it. Not only does it create cool images, but it can also put up entire Opera productions. And what's a better thing than opera? The only things I can think of that are better are cookies and raptors, but opera is pretty close IMO.

I'm not sure where those Futurama writers come up with this stuff. The "internet?!" Brilliant! Those guys are like Asimov times ten. This is the greatest idea in the history of ideas. You can fly around and look at porn! Those are my my two favorite things to do. Someone invent this for me now please!