What Do We Make Fun of Now?

For 8 years, George W. Bush's administration has served as comedy fodder. Just as all the humor was mined from Bush's failures, the election took center stage, providing plenty of rich material. Now that it's all over and the world is farting hope and burping puppies (we earned that puppy), where will politically minded comedians turn? What will Bill Maher and Sean Hannity (he was just kidding, right?) harp on now? It's hard to tell for sure, but I have a few predictions…

1. George W. Bush's Ineptitude at His New Job, Stamp Collecting

Now that he doesn't have a pesky country to destroy, George W. Bush will finally pursue his first love. Nope, not cocaine or drunk driving. It's a little known secret, but Bush loves stamp collecting more than he loves choking on pretzels. Many stamp analysts predict Bush will at first seem like an adequate stamp collector, conducting an admirable search for a prized Afghanistan stamp. Unfortunately, he will quickly lose focus and decide his time is better spent destroying other people's stamp collections. Countless friendless children and grown men wearing bow ties are expected to mourn in the streets as a result. Additionally, college students will prove they know about stamp collecting by donning their "Bush is Not My Stamp Collector" t-shirts.

At first only tediously brave comics will tackle Bush's obvious lack of stamp knowledge, but slowly and surely, even your Vietnam veteran uncle, a gay-bashing conservative who believes foreign stamps should be mailed back to where they came from, will be cracking wise, drunkenly yelling at the family reunion, "Bush couldn't tell a stamp from a hole in the ground that he done blowed up over in those terrorist countries. Git 'r done!"

2. Joe Lieberman Pledging His Full Support for the Invading Alien Hordes of the Planet Zoltracon

For the longest time, I was convinced Kermit the Frog was backing McCain. I was saddened by this clear betrayal. After all, his fellow Muppets voted for him as a member of the Democratic party, not the Asshole Traitor party. Then I realized that it wasn't Kermit standing next to Senator McCain, but rather Joe Lieberman, and I went, "he's still around?"

Well, now that Lieberman's career as an earthling politician is completely over, his only hope (the only time "hope" and "Lieberman" will ever be in the same sentence) is to put his full support behind the similarly spineless alien race, the invertebrate Zoltracons. Promising true change, Zoltracon The Merciless pledges to feast on the brains of the weak, my friends, while enslaving the fattest and strongest of the human cows to erect a monument to his massive sexual organ. Joe Lieberman hopes the Zoltracons will allow him to govern as Vice Evil Emperor, but invading horde analysts predict the choice would turn off many from his base, the murder-hungry Termilions of Sector 7X. 

After the hope-filled bacteria from Obama's farts drives away the Zoltracons, surviving comedians will no doubt poke fun at Joe Lieberman for betraying humanity and also for speaking nasally.

3. Barack Obama's Geeky White Half Can't Dance

Race is still a volatile issue, and Barack Obama's African American roots are a touchy subject. Fortunately, Barack Obama also has geeky white people roots. Making fun of white people will never go out of style. It's like wearing black. In fact, you could say, white people is the new black… Actually, you shouldn't, because that's racist.

Barack Obama is the only person to be 100% half-white. Did you know he listens to Sheryl Crow? No doubt it is Obama's white half making him a huge dorkus malorkus. Lest you forget, being President of the United States is about the dorkiest job in the world. At least the president of France is drunk while he governs. In the US, the president just sits around all day talking about politics! What a fucking nerdlinger!

Just in case comedians reading this blog (I know you're out there, every comedian ever) still aren't sure how to tackle this one, I am providing a template you can use:

This alone should last you through the first term.

4. Joe The Plumber's Bid for Congressman of Awfultown, USA

After the last debate, John McCain had the inexperienced Joe the Plumber (a.k.a. Sam the Wurzelbacher) campaigning for the Republican candidate on a platform of "Obama equals death to Israel." How did McCain lose?

Since he doesn't realize everyone ever is sick and tired of his unlicensed plumbing ways, Joe the Plumber has lined up a country music album, a book deal, and a campaign to elect him congressman of the shittiest place he can find in America. At least when Katie Couric asks him, "which publications do you read?" He'll be able to respond, "Jugs. Any of Jugs. All of Jugs."

Once Joe's country album drops (into dumpsters), comedians will have an endless source of material. Especially when he announces he will be singing half his songs as his goatee'd bad boy alter-ego, Chad Bigcock.

5. What's the Deal with Everything Being Amazing Now?

Once Barack Obama becomes president, everything will obviously be immediately amazing. You'll get your old job back. Your best friend will return safely from Iraq. And you will even get laid for the first time in 8 years (spread the blowjobs). Everything being amazing will be the thing most of us will make fun of, because we'll all be too happy to focus on all the awful stuff, like Sarah Palin's innevitable reality show.