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November 13, 2008 12:35 pm

Thank God Our Economy is Sh*tty!

posted by: Gonzalo Cordova

Many people believe our economy is going down faster than a divorcee at a doctor's convention (joke courtesy of lounge comedians circa 1965). The last time we faced a depression of this caliber, we had the comedy genius of Laurel and Hardy and Charlie Chaplin to help us laugh our way through the breadlines. And today is no different…

With gloom and doom in the real-world economy, will moviegoers be even

more reluctant to catch dark, dreary Oscar heavyweights and head

instead for the happy place that a "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" can take

them?

Will we ever forget the tragically comic dance of the bread rolls from The Gold Rush, or that time that Chihuahua sang that pop song about Chihuahuas in Beverly Hills Chihuahua? The answer is no (and also "God, why?").

"If you are putting an Oscar movie out there this season, let's just

say it's going to be more challenging than in other years to get the

box office rolling. Traction in this marketplace is a bit tougher for

these kinds of films," [said Paul Dergarabedian, president of box-office tracker Media By Numbers].

It's widely known that comedy thrives during economic downturns, but studios have to save face and maintain their gravitas (more like gravit-ass, right?!). Is there a way to exploit two birds with one stone?

"I have been choosing things that seem light. More the date movies, I

guess, as opposed to a World War II drama or something," Shannon

Marsnik, 34, of St. Paul, Minn., said at a theatre where she had taken

her two daughters and two nieces to see "High School Musical 3."

What if they could combine elements of the "Oscar bait" films with elements of the more popular "idiot bait" films?!

After the jump, I look at some upcoming dramas and help the studios turn them into sure-fire box-office phenomenons.

Old Title: The Danish Girl – New Title: I Now Pronounce You Lili and Grieta

Based on the heartbreaking true story of the world's first male-to-female transsexual, The Danish Girl stars Nicole Kidman as artist Eignar Wegener, following him through his journey to become Lili Elbe. Charlize Theron is set to play Eignar's conflicted wife, Gerda Gottlieb.

Doesn't sound too commercial does it? Well, how about instead of Nicole Kidman, we cast Eddie Murphy. And instead of it being about a transsexual, the film was about an undercover cop dressing up as a fat black lady in order to chase down a notorious jewel thief in turn of the century Denmark? Let's replace Charlize Theron with someone cheaper so we can make more of our money back. How about Victoria Marlow? Never heard of her? Well, she's sleeping with the producer, and if she's that good at faking orgasms, she's gotta know how to act.

Ba-da bing, ba-da boom. It's a comedy drama. A cramedy!

I know what you're thinking. "Sure, that movie will make millions and everyone will love it, but how will we win a Oscar?" I've got two words for you, my dudes and dudettes; National Socialism. Nazis!

Just pile Nazi's all over it! Everyone loves Nazi's, and most importantly, the Academy of Arts and Sciences loves Nazis.

Old Title: Milk — New Title: Gay Movie

Gus Van Sant's new film, Milk, stars Sean Penn as Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official who was… zzzzzzzzz…

Whazzat?! Oh, sorry, I feel asleep synopsizing. Apparently Milk is based on a true story or something, but you know what, movies aren't supposed to be drawn from life. Movies are supposed to be drawn from other movies! And nothing is hotter right now than parodies.

What if we just threw together every movie with gay themed characters into one hastily assembled plot? Maybe Harvey Milk joins forces with the Brokeback Mountain guys in order to stop an evil George Michael and the transsexual from The Crying Game from taking over the world. Also, a Paris Hilton impersonator can get run over by a train at one point. I'm just spitballing here, but this sounds like a go to me. Let's hire two guys to write it over a weekend and film whatever they scrawl. Paycheck, please!

How will this movie get an Oscar? Easy. It's still got gay people in it. Last time I checked, the Academy of Arts and Sciences still loves gay sex! NEXT!

Old Title: Frost/Nixon — New Title: Frost/Nixon

Frost/Nixon is the true story of the post-Watergate televised interview of President Richard Nixon conducted by British talk show host David Frost.

Wow! This is a winner. I have no suggestions. The kids will love this! David Frost is the shizznitt, I've heard them say. And Richard Nixon! Get out of my head, Hollywood! I love it!

My one eensy teensy remark is, I saw the trailer (which is still fab) and I think your movie could use more silly sound effects. Just consider having Nixon fart and then a "whoosh" sound as David Frost runs out of the room. Just a suggestion. You don't need to follow it, Hollywood.