Making Fun of Comedians Who Are Too Dead to Care

Working with Google, LIFE Magazine made their vast photography archives public. This amazing collection stretches back all the way to 1750! What better way to celebrate than to dig up old comedy history and point out it's fucking weirdness.

Vaudeville and the Early Days of Comedy

"One. Two. Three. You're Out, Booger Brain McGee!"

Although it is hysterical, I don't believe this old vaudeville photograph is meant to be comedic. I am posting it to illustrate what old comedians once had to go up against. If anyone complains about competing with YouTube or video games for eyeballs and eardrums, I bring them exhibit A, child boxing. Not enough evidence? Exhibit B is child refereeing. How could anyone possible be funny following that act?

Bob Hope Once Appealed to College Students

"I just popped out the television to ask all of you young folk, when you have kids, will you beat them in order to prevent them from growing up into awful smelly hippies?"

This photo is proof that at one point, Bob Hope performed college based humor. Here he is talking to the fake students of Kronkeit Kollege. All that tuition money and still no one knew how to spell the word college.

You can tell this is a college setting because Hope is wearing a football uniform. Additionally, he holds the school mascot and the kids are wearing their school letters on their shirts and blouses! Screw Animal House. This is the definitive depiction of college life.

The only thing missing from this whole college scene are the orgies. That's every college's oldest and greatest tradition.

Jimmy Durante Never Looked Like He Was Under 50.

"A woman's place is in the kitchen. Ha-chachachachaaa!"

I'm going to make a disclaimer and state, I like Jimmy Durante and his manic energy, but he can be a tad annoying sometimes. What a controversial statement, I know! I find it a little sad to think many comedians had to present themselves as constantly hyperactive cartoons. Nowadays, comedians can just be themselves. Well, except for Robin Williams.

Regardless, Jimmy Durante was funny. Throughout his career he worked with varied and talented legends, like Ethel Merman, Buster Keaton and Carmen Miranda, who was on The Jimmy Durante Show the day before she died.

Imprison This Harpo Marxist

"I'm telling you, guys. I'll just play the harp for five minutes in every one of our movies. It will be hilarious!"

Harpo Marx is my favorite Marx brother. I know everyone loves Groucho, but you know what, fuck Groucho! I take it back, Groucho was amazing too, but you know what, fuck him! Wait, don't fuck him! They were both funny! I'm so confused!

Has anyone ever noticed that 75% of all Marx brothers films are them just being horny? I have a theory that the Marx brothers are responsible for our current overpopulation woes.

On top of being an incredible physical comedian, he was an excellent harpist. He taught himself to play on an improperly tuned harp, and continued to play this way for the rest of his career. With the exception of Looney Tune cartoon angels, Harpo was the only person capable of making the harp funny.

Red Skelton Wore Baggy Clothes

"I've got David Byrne beat by at least like 25 years."

I'll leave you with this rather celebratory picture of Red Skelton dancing while wearing an oversized suit. Wearing over-sized clothing is still funny to this day. And look at his face. He looks like he's having fun. I assume he's doing the Snoopy dance in this picture.