The Things I'm Thankful For Could Fill a Blog Post!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so it is time to ready yourself for the moment when your religious aunt asks the family to individually say what they are thankful for. Wouldn't it be great if this time you could forgo the lies like, "I'm thankful for the baby Jesus and my family whom I love very much," and tell the truth?

I am aware this is a comedy blog, and most of our readers aren't interested in my humble thoughts, but I feel it is important to express the things for which I am truly and sincerely grateful.

1. I'm Thankful for the Colonial Eradication of an Entire Peoples.

Just because the word America is in Native American, doesn't mean they owned America or anything (SATIRE!). Sure, they crossed the Bering Strait and worked hard to make this land livable, but true blue Americans came here on boats! Made out of wood! Do you know how hard that trek must have been? Sure maybe not as hard as the Trail of Tears, but it was a lot harder than your morning jog.

This image is completely historically inaccurate! Where are the buckle's on their hats?! Where's the pumpkin pie?!

We all know the story of the pilgrims honorably breaking bread with the Native Americans. But did you know the Pilgrims also honorably broke countless spirits by casting the Native Americans from the land they rightfully claimed ownership to for countless generations? Fun facts!

Our country would be in shambles if Native Americans ran it because it's not in shambles right now or anything (also SATIRE!). Every morning I'd have to say "How," instead of my usual morning greeting, "Who are you and why is your penis in my mouth?"

Additionally, free-roaming buffalo wouldn't be extinct. Buffalo work cheaper and more efficiently since they weigh less and are in overall better health than the typical overweight U.S. citizen. Do we want buffalo taking our jobs?!

After the jump I list more things I am thankful for…

2. I'm Thankful for Holiday Specials

The best way to ignore your family and pretend to like each other is to sit in the glowing warmth of a television screen. There are many holiday specials, including the new and amazing A Colbert Christmas – The Greatest Gift of All. I'd like to say I think you should buy it because the proceeds go to charity, but the real reason you should buy it is because it is incredible and I want them to make another one.

One of my favorite blogs, Dougsploitation, has a pretty great list of Thanksgiving themed specials, but my personal favorite was unfortunately left out…

That's one way to stuff a turkey.

I have zero idea why I photoshopped the above image. I might just be addicted to photoshop. I can't quit you, photoshop.

I'm sorry, childhood memories…

3. I'm Thankful that Turkeys Aren't Our National Bird

Benjamin Franklin once proposed that a fat and lazy creature should become our national mascot. Naturally, everyone assumed he was talking about the turkey. If this had come to pass, then we'd all undoubtedly be eating bald eagles this Thanksgiving.

I've eaten bald eagle, and trust me, the noble bird was nothing but muscles and sinew. I'm glad we only eat them on one national holiday, Kill a Bald Eagle and Get Pardoned By George W. Bush For It Day.

I'm going to just come out and admit this entire entry was all an excuse for the following photoshopped image…

I'm not addicted to photoshop! I can stop rasterizing images anytime I want!

4. I'm Thankful for Turkey Pardons.

The greatest presidential tradition is feigning Christianity. The second greatest is pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey. Every year, the president gets out the old pardoning stick and beats the lucky turkey over the head with it.

The tradition started when Nixon pardoned a turkey (pictured below) for the

Watergate scandal, thereby fixing the problem and avoiding impeachment.

Pardoning this turkey was the most controversial thing Nixon ever did.

According to Wikipedia, the turkeys have been living in the lap of luxury the past few years.

I wonder what the turkeys have to say about this?

5. I'm Thankful this Tex Avery Cartoon is Public Domain and I Can Post It

Jerky Turkey was one of my top favorites as a kid and while doing turkey research I discovered it was in the public domain, meaning it's free to distribute on a corporate blog. From now on, every one of my posts will end with an embed of this video.

By the way, this cartoon is way better on drugs. And by drugs I mean a shitload of turkey tryptophan. I am a fan of tryptophan!

6. I am Thankful for Working on This Site and Making Dumb Jokes All Day, Like Fake Lists of Things I am Thankful For.

No seriously. Are you reading this, all my bosses? Because I am genuinely thankful that writing dumb jokes all day is my life. I love working here so much. Also, I want a raise now, okay?

I'm also thankful that there are people who read this shit (there are people who read this shit?). Without you guys reading my very silly posts, I'd be out in the street no doubt churning stranger's butter for money.

Is it sad the one sincere thing one my list isn't about loving my family and friends? No, its not, because they are jerks.