All I Want for Christmas (Is To Get Crunk)

It's so hard to concentrate on comedy news today, because, as you all know, tomorrow is a very special day. It's the fifth day of Hanukkah, known amongst Hassidic Orthodox circles as Christmas.

No one knows more about hard knocks than Jesus. The man was born in a manger, the Biblical equivalent of a dumpster alley, and grew up to become a notorious criminal.  He couldn't even afford wine, so he had to make it himself. Life isn't easy these days. That's why, if ever there was a day to ask for a little bit extra, this recession Christmas is the time.

Since the Bible explicitly states Jesus reads the Comedy Central blog, I want to take this time to express a few Christmas wishes. I just hope I catch our Lord and Savior before he boards his sleigh and starts delivering toys.

What do I want for Christmas?

1. The Christ out of Christmas.

Now, Jesus, I know which side of the fence you're on with this argument, but let me state my case. Every day is Jesus Day in my book. Can't we give Christmas to someone who will actually appreciate it? I know you died for our sins, but, Jesus Christ, does everything have to be about you?

Let's face it, Jesus. You really are causing more controversy than fun during the holidays. It's time to give it to someone who has never done a controversial thing in their life. You know who doesn't have a holiday and desperately needs one? Famed author Salman Rushdie. 

This scenario is still less controversial than The Satanic Verses.

Rushdie's been doing things forever. I haven't read any of them or anything, but I saw him speak once. It was kind of boring, but I did realize, man, this guy really needs a holiday. Like, all he talked about was books. He really needed a day to loosen up. Just think about it, okay, Jesus?

After the jump, I list more things I want this Christmas (soon to be known as Rushdiemas).

2. A Pony

Here's a dramatization of me riding a pony.

Pretty rad, right?

3. A Chance to See What The World Would Look Like If I Was Never Born

At one point we've all wondered, would the world be better of without me. Although my mom swears things were better before I was born, I would like to see for myself. I bet if I was never born, people would party every day, and the world would be one long conga line.

Everytime a creepy guy accidently touches a lady butt, an angel gets a boner.

I don't like this world, Clarence! Take me back! I want the crappy world where I'm going to jail for stealing from a bank!

4. Food

Seriously. With the recession and all, it's been a really tough year. Forget all the other stuff. Can you please just give me food for Christmas.

Image from Charles Dicken's classic Great Expectations, in which Tiny Tim courageously asked for more food from his mean old Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

Jesus Fucking Christ, I'm so fucking hungry I would eat a fucking reindeer.

Thanks for listening, Jesus!