My New Year's Eve Plans
I can't believe today is the last day of 2008. When I look back at all the fond memories, including saying goodbye to all my money in the failing economy, hearing countless terrible Joker impersonations, and losing Paul Newman and Eartha Kitt, I can honestly say in all sincerity, good riddance to this bad rubbish year. Sure, there were a lot of highlights, but let's all brush 2008 off our shoulders and begin anew.
It's time to celebrate the oncoming year and hope it's not quit as shitty as this one's been. And what better way to celebrate renewal than by getting shitfaced drunk, hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and then getting mouth herpes from a guy/gal/both you just met three minutes before midnight?
Just in case some readers our there are unsure how to ring in the New Year, I'm including my plans for New Year's Eve.
1. Scar a Baby for Life by Photographing It Dressed as the New Year
Babies are the perfect symbol for the upcoming year. They represent newness, rebirth, and pooping yourself, all of which are important components of a good New Year's Eve plan.
The thing babies love most is being photographed wearing funny hats. Everyone should spend the first part of their day finding a baby to pose for their New Years party flyers. If you don't have a baby, do what I did, and buy one off eBay.
More New Year's Eve plans after the jump.
2. Avoid Spending Your New Year's Eve on a Poseidon Adventure Scenario
I just watched The Poseidon Adventure, a New Year's Eve classic, and I have to say, whatever you do, listen to Gene Hackman.
3. Drink a Giant Bottle of Champagne.
Did you know sparkling wine can only technically be called champagne if its from the Champagne appellation in France? Did you also know that champagne comes in giant sized bottles which are served to you by a flapper from the 20's? It's not technically called champagne unless the person serving it to you is a frivolous and flighty flapper wearing a top hat.
Don't spend another year with that nasty old foreskin. It's time to get with it and give your penis a haircut.
Your spouse has done a lot of good work supporting you this year, but just let him or her know that, unfortunately, times are tough. There are lay-offs all around. You've had to let go of the dog and the cat, and now finally, some upper brass is feeling the axe of the dying economy. Let them down gently and offer to write them a letter of recommendation for future employment as a husband, wife, or one night stand.
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