Baywatch Movie Somehow Wasn't Going to be a Comedy At One Point?
Variety reports the Baywatch movie currently being developed is being reworked as a comedy. Surprisingly, it wasn't a good idea to create a tense, serious drama from a show centering around David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson running in slow motion.
Hoping to add some giggle to the jiggle, Paramount Pictures has set Jeremy Garelick to rewrite and direct "Baywatch," a bigscreen comedy based on the syndicated series about buff lifeguards who patrol a beach in California.
DreamWorks paid seven figures for remake rights in 2005 and got a script… that was heavy on action. Garelick was sent the script do a punch-up. Though he never saw the original TV show and its well-rounded cast, he saw an opportunity to turn it into broad comedy.
I can almost imagine the Hollywood big shot, chomping on a cigar, "We need to add more giggle to this jiggle!" And his assistant saying, "But sir, that's the same thing you said about Revolutionary Road!"
Basically, the lesson of this news story is if you're adapting a bad 90's syndicated television show into a big budget feature film, I guess you should just skip trying to make it good and just go right to sticking boob jokes on every page.
After the jump, you can read the entire screenplay for the Baywatch movie that I didn't just make-up right now on the spot.
BAYWATCH THE MOVIE – SCREENPLAY – DO NOT DISTRIBUTE!
EXT. BEACH – DAY
DAVID HASSELHOFF, dressed in short red trunks, sits on a guard tower.
HASSELHOFF
God, I wish I hadn't agreed to stay
sober for this entire shoot.
JESSICA SIMPSON runs down the beach, wearing a red bathing suit.
JESSICA
Someone's drowning and we're
all out of flotation devices.
HASSELHOFF
Use the reserves.
CLOSE-UP of Jessica Simpson's boobs.
EXT. BOAT – DAY
YASMINE BLEETH and WAYNE KNIGHT are speeding along the waves.
WAYNE
We need to stop these shark terrorists
from blowing up the White House!
YASMINE
The only thing that can disarm
the bomb are very, very large breasts!
WAYNE
I think we should call in… THE EXPERT!
Or should I say SEXPERT?!
EXT. BEACH – DAY
PAMELA ANDERSON, wearing the famous red swimsuit, runs down the beach in slow motion. If she is too old too run, we'll just CGI it. She runs for an hour while Papa Roach's version of I'll Be Ready plays.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE – DAY
DAVID HASSELHOFF and PAMELA ANDERSON stand around the ticking time bomb.
PAMELA bends over to inspect the bomb. Oh, no! There are only 7 seconds left. Fortunately, PAMELA'S butt is sticking up in the air really sexy.
HASSELHOFF
I've got an explosion
going off in my pants.
PAMELA
This is serious business.
CLOSE-UP on the bomb. Only 2 seconds left. PAMELA throws her boobs over the bomb. It explodes, muffled and contained by her enormous melons.
She stands up and points to her boobs.
PAMELA
Developed by NASA.
HASSELHOFF
Schwing!
THE END
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