For many of us, this is one of the most special times of the year. I'm of course referring to today being Ian Ziering's birthday, or as we call it in my family, Christmas. My grandmother, god rest her soul, always liked to celebrate this auspicious occasion by reading fill-in-the-blank interviews with comedians, so here's one with Amy Schumer. Her Comedy Central Presents premieres this Friday night at 11:30pm / 10:30c (Amy's, not my grandmother's).

I'm a comedian and I'm…
…drunk

Word of advice…
…don't count your chickens before they hatch, that's when you miscarry.

I'm not hilarious when…
…I'm asleep, then I'm just pretty.

My secret is…
…I don't know how to type. But my gerbil does.

Poop…
…isn't funny…
…it's really funny.

It's inappropriate to…
…pee on someone unless you've cleared it with them. And their landlord.

Imitation is…
…the sincerest form of robbery.

Most memorable heckle…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1ufqh6xoyY

A memoir by you…
Don't Rape Me I'm with the Band

Soap box to haters…
…boooo.

Definition of road-tail…
…Busboys who need green cards.

My extreme energy drink would be called…
…Jewhoo.

How would you like the world to end?
Secretly.

After the jump, there's a preview of Amy's CCP along with a web-exclusive outtake from the show.