These are strange times we live in. What with the newfangled iPhones and the running shoes kids like wearing these days, it feels like we are living in the future. But there are still so many things no one's bothered inventing. Futurama isn't just a great show. It's also a call to arms for you to invent me cool things I want. Here's a partial list of the things from Futurama I want you to invent for me for Christmas.

The Death Clock

Most people don't want to know when they are going to die. I call those people idiots. Not to their faces, because I am scared of those people (and people in general), but when they turns their backs, I go, "that person is an idiot," and then run and hide. Anyway, I would love to know the exact moment I die, so then I could plan my bucket list accordingly. And by bucket list, I mean, all the countries in the world where I want to sit in a hotel room and watch The Bucket List by myself. There are so many countries left to go!

The list continues below. Be sure to tune-in for all-new episodes of Futurama when they premiere in June.

The Smelloscope

The smelloscope is arguably the most useful invention ever invented. For one thing, you can smell smells that are really far away. Whenever I stalk random strangers, I have to satisfy myself with just watching and hearing them from a safe distance. Boooring! But with the smelloscope, I would know exactly who smells like a delightful blend of sandlewood and vanilla and who doesn't and I could judge them accordingly.

Spaceships

I guess we do have some spaceships, but they aren't as cool as the Planet Express ship. At the risk of sounding like an over-excited ten year old kid, let me explain why. First of all, it flies really really really really fast. For another, it has a laser cannon and shoots things in space! And lastly but not leastly, it goes all "whoosh" and "kaboom" all the time! I rest my case, dear reader.

Dream Commercials

During the day, I'm usually too busy being awake to give my undivided attention to commercials. Which is a shame because they're so culturally important. Without them, we wouldn't have the "where's the beef" lady and then what would I quote from when I looked down at my tiny penis? Also, it is scientifically proven that product placement makes films ten times better, so the same must be true of dreams.

The Holophoner

I don't really play any instruments, unless you count playing the bongos, which you shouldn't because it takes no skill (sorry bongo players, but I arbitrarily decided this just now). But if the holophoner were real, I would mothereffin' shred on it. Not only does it create cool images, but it can also put up entire Opera productions. And what's a better thing than opera? The only things I can think of that are better are cookies and raptors, but opera is pretty close IMO.

The What If Machine

The What If Machine is basically human imagination, but without all that burdensome brain-use involved. It's kinda like TV that way. Another way it's like TV is that it kind of looks like a TV. You know what's on TV sometimes, Futurama! As you see, the depths of the greatness of this machine are pretty deep. These are some mighty deep depths. If I could ask the What If Machine one thing, it would be, "What would my life be like if what I wrote occasionally made sense?" And the answer would be, "owl-mobile."

Blernsball

Baseball bores me. There I said it. I am un-American for thinking it, but I barely understand it. What the hell is a shortstop? Why can't the other players just tackle the pitcher? Why did my hot dog cost me seven dollars? Blernsball is all the fun parts of baseball, but "jazzed up." I think everything should be jazzed up. Including stodgy old jazz. They should play jazz with a saxophone that breaths fire and causes internal hemorrhaging and then put it on youtube so the youth can rediscover jazz to the extreme.

Heads in Jars

Technically, we already have this. Hell, it was in my grandpa's will we pickle his head. He was up on the mantle until one night I got a midnight craving for something tartly sour. The heads in Futurama are much cooler. For one thing, they are alive. And for another thing, they are often celebrities and former presidents. I have a question for Futurama's writers. How is it that historical figures were able to preserve their heads in jars if no one had the foresight to lop off them off and store them until the right technology came along? If their heads somehow time traveled to the future, why didn't the rest of their bodies come along with them? Also, one last question. What is this suspension of disbelief thing I keep hearing about and how can it help me?

Suicide Booths

This is my favorite invention. Not because I am suicidal in the slightest, but because the line to the ATM is too long. There should be a long line to the suicide booth instead so that I can get to the ATM and do something worthwhile with my money. Like purchasing Futurama DVDs and then sitting in my parents basement doing illegal drugs and watching said DVDs. You don't need the drugs to enjoy Futurama. But you also don't need them to help your ten year-old cousin with his homework, but that never stopped me.

The Internet

I'm not sure where those Futurama writers come up with this stuff. The "internet?!" Brilliant! Those guys are like Asimov times ten. This is the greatest idea in the history of ideas. You can fly around and look at porn! Those are my my two favorite things to do. Someone invent this for me now please!