The Beginner's Guide to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Okay, so you're interested in developing a serious It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (or, as nobody writes, IASiPh) habit. You've heard a lot of good things, feigned laughter the 23rd time someone at some frat party demanded that you "pay the troll toll" and noticed how excited friends get when they see a guy in green spandex flailing around like a douche in sports crowds, and now you've had enough. You want in! But…

While IASiPh may be new to Comedy Central, where it now airs Mondays at 9pm / 8c, it's been out there for a while now and has built up quite a cult following. Can you really throw yourself into it now, after all these years?

Yes. Yes, you can. With the "The Beginner's Guide to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," which you happen to be reading right now. Here's everything you need to know about the show to get you started.

Philadelphia
A city located on the East Coast of the United States, which is neither New York City nor Washington DC. Despite these two apparent flaws, it somehow manages to exist, due in all likelihood to the pure tenacious vexatiousness of its citizens. It exists in the cultural mind mainly for its grease and meat sandwiches, the unrivaled brutishness of its sports fans, and because the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was born there. This is where, quite fittingly, IASiPh takes place.

Paddy's Pub
A remarkably unremarkable saloon in South Philly. It is dirty, run-down, poorly-managed, depressing, seemingly modeled after a number of similarly remarkably unremarkable saloons in South Philly. It is owned and operated by The Gang and, as such, serves as the locus of activity on IASiPh.

The Gang
The Gang is, collectively, made up all five members of The Gang, although there is some contention about this. As Frank was not introduced as a character until the second season of IASiPh, he was not considered a member of The Gang until Season Two, at which point it became unclear whether he was the leader of The Gang or not a member of The Gang at all. Sweet Dee, for her part, is not considered a member of The Gang by anybody except by Sweet Dee. Thus, the only three certain members of the five-person Gang are Mac, Dennis and Charlie.

Mac
The second handsomest/suavest member of The Gang (just after his roommate Dennis). Mac — a co-owner of Paddy's Pub — is a self-styled tough guy with an enviable physique (and the sleeveless tees to prove it) as well as a world-class master of karate(-type movements) with well-honed "cat-like reflexes." He spent his childhood throwing rocks at trains with Charlie and his high school years throwing up with Dennis. He has banged both Dennis's mom and a chick with a dick.

Dennis Reynolds
The second handsomest/suavest member of The Gang (just after his roommate Mac). Obviously afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as the occasional bout of severe anorexia, Dennis — a co-owner of Paddy's Pub, twin-brother to Sweet Dee — lives his life in the glossy glare of his own delusion-inspired reflection. He is a proud and voracious sexual lothario and, in fact, the innovator of The D.E.N.N.I.S. System for bedding and then discarding women. He's also a self-acknowledged "piece of shit."

Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds
Sweet Dee would be the only sympathetic member of The Gang if she weren't so abjectly unsympathetic. After spending her school years in a back brace, she has a crippling sense of self-loathing, which is in no way abetted by the fact that every other person in her life treats her like human garbage, her twin-brother Dennis and father Frank especially. Still, she doesn't allow that to keep her from forcing alcoholics back onto the drink to fulfill her Sex & the City fantasies, abusing the good will of a priest who had feelings for her in high school or becoming a crackhead to take advantage of the city's welfare program.

Charlie Kelly
Co-owner and toilet boy of Paddy's Pub, Charlie holds the rare distinction of being an idiot, a savant and an idiot-savant all at once. Charlie has not allowed his functional illiteracy and need to write in pictograms to stop him from penning, composing and directing a full musical about a boy who is pushed into becoming the superhero Day Man after being spiritually molested by the Night Man who creeps into his room at night. Charlie has got some problems, it is much suspected.

Frank Reynolds
A world class dirt bag, Frank Reynolds — the man who raised and, as their father, psychologically-abused Dennis and Deandra — is a misanthrope, a misogynist, a sexual deviant and a degenerate gambler. Since using his considerable and ill-gotten wealth to buy the land beneath Paddy's Pub and force his way into The Gang, he has run a Russian Roulette ring out of the bar's basement, sold his son into the sex industry to pay off a mob debt, and sets his daughter on fire. He and Charlie — with whom he shares a studio apartment — have a rather strange and complex relationship, and the two can often be found playing a game they call "Nightcrawlers."

Other People
Other people are generally scorned, ridiculed and abused by members of The Gang. That is, unless The Gang is currently busy scorning, ridiculing and/or abusing members of The Gang, in which case the members of Other People will just have to wait their turns.

The Waitress
The Waitress is a waitress with a drinking problem who has a name that nobody knows. Charlie is infatuated with The Waitress, despite the fact that The Waitress is disgusted by Charlie and is infatuated with Dennis, who has no interest in her whatsoever.

Rickety Cricket
Matthew Mara — aka "Rickety Cricket" — is a homeless guy who used to be a priest who used to be a huge dork who wore leg braces back in high school. He is in love with and hates the guts of Sweet Dee and can often be found running for his life from Mac and Dennis, who enjoy dipping their balls in his mouth.

Artemis
Artemis is a somewhat overweight, hyper-artistic, free spirit, sexual weirdo with a bleached asshole. What do you want her to do? She'll do it. She is friends with Sweet Dee.

The McPoyles
Ryan and Liam McPoyle are gross. In addition to that, they're also brothers who probably sleep with each other and their gross deaf-mute sister Margaret. They walk around the city in greasy robes and dirty underwear and yuck, just yuck. The McPoyles have a grudge against Charlie for refusing to pretend that he got molested by his gym teacher when he was in school.

In Conclusion
So, what you're probably saying to yourself now is: "Wow! I totally understand IASiPh now!" Either that or "Huh? None of that made any sense to me. This Beginner's Guide is useless." Both are completely valid responses. Because this Guide is a pretty decent representation of IASiPh and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Does that make sense to you? No? Too bad. Maybe you'll have better luck with the next Beginner's Guide to some other TV show that you choose to read instead of watching the show for yourself. Seriously, you people.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia airs Mondays at 9pm / 8c on Comedy Central.