I just got home from The Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff. I'm sitting in a hotel bed in my underwear eating cotton candy in the wee hours of the morning, because the only way to write about David Hasselhoff is to become David Hasselhoff.
Let's start where all things start, at the start. I arrived early Sunday afternoon at the Sony Pictures studio lot. Apparently, the studio now owned by Sony was originally the famed MGM movie lot, and you can really feel the history of the place. "I feel like I'm standing where Judy Garland first regretted losing her virginity to a secretly gay movie director."
The red carpet was done up like a boardwalk because Baywatch (SPOILER ALERT!) is about beaches. I've been to red carpets, but this one was BANANAS. I did get to snap a picture of the man of the hour, David Hasselhoff. Here he is…
Just kidding! That's just a creepy statue of David Hasselhoff. Coincidentally, the statue was only slightly less stilted than the real Hasselhoff's acting in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield.
Once I go through the interviews I got, I'll have more posts for you, but for tonight, let's just have a general recap of the night.
Blake Anderson talked about the show a bit, "If you hate the characters on the show, you probably hate us in real life." One of them, or all of them, it's hard to make out from my tape recorder, added, "But if you like us on the show, you probably won't like us in real life."
Here's a much better picture of them taken by a person who knows how to point a camera.
I talked to Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane for literally a second, and we talked about how game and willing David Hasselhoff is to make fun of himself, "He came in to do a gag [on, I am assuming, Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show or the other three million Seth MacFarlane Fox shows] about Michael Knight getting a DUI." I searched all over the internet for that clip and couldn't find it, so either Seth McFarlane is a liar or YOU AREN'T DOING YOUR JOB, INTERNET! (Or it didn't air yet. All likely choices.)
Jeffrey Ross, Roastmaster General himself, talked a bit about the specific challenges of roasting David Hasselhoff, "You can't offend him because he's a big goof. I'm not even sure he'll get most of the jokes."
Watching the actual taping from the press room, this Roast in particular seemed to really go for the jugular, which Ross predicted right before the show, "This'll perhaps be the meanest harshest Roast of all time."
He attributed this to the fact that there really was an endless supply of Hasselhoff material to cull from, "This one could have been a three-part mini-series. Cutting the jokes down was tough."
Jeff also talked about an interesting new bit he's been doing in his stand-up shows, "Lately I've been speed-roasting members of my audience. Bringing up people from the audience and giving them fifteen minutes of pain." He explained that he liked roasting someone cold like that, because it kept the shows loose and exciting, "It's a little scary. It's like punk rock. You don't know if someone is going to take a swing at you or throw up on your shoes."
I also talked to Gilbert Gottfried briefly. I asked him if, during his long career, he'd ever crossed paths with Hasselhoff before this, "I don't know David Hasselhoff personally, but I've looked at his glistening muscles for several years, and I own every one of his albums."
Gilbert also was kind enough to share one of his favorite jokes from his new Dirty Jokes CD/DVD, "A guy has the words 'I Love You' tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife. His wife says, 'Stop trying to put words in my mouth.'"
I really, really wanted to talk to Hulk Hogan, but he was being swamped by press. I did however manage to snap this picture of him smirking…
It's just as well. It can be kind of weird meeting your childhood heroes, especially when they are now made entirely out of plastic hamburger meat.
I did manage to snap a picture of the real Hoff…
Just kidding! That's another statue made out of fake parts… Oh, wait. Nope. Never mind. That is actually the real Hasselhoff.
Or is it?
It is! We all win!