What does every little girl want for the holidays?

A sea turtle (ponies are so pre-Regan era).

We’re not even joking:  you can literally give anyone – boys and adult humans, too – their very own sea turtle this holiday season, thanks to this year's adoption campaign from Oceana.org. Okay, true, when we say "literally" we don’t "technically" mean "physically." It's not like your kid's gonna wake up on [Religiously Unaffiliated Holiday] morning, run to the [Commercially Festive Icon] to find a box dripping from all the wet sponges inside, give you a wide-eyed look like "Can it be?!" and tear off the [seasonally colored] paper to find a brand new baby sea turtle, wagging its tail and licking her face. That’s unrealistic. And grody.

But what she can find, is a cute little plush sea turtle, representing the little guy you – or Santa, or Hannukah Harry, or Kwanzaa Kwame or whoever – bought and promised to protect. That is, your hard-earned holidollars will help Oceana keep turtles safe from aquatic dangers… in the general sense. There's not a sea turtle out there who's gonna write you letters and send pictures of it in new school clothes or whatever. But it's better than nothing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You have to order today if you want your schwag by Christmas.

And hey, if you and your loved ones hate turtles for some reason, never fear. They also do penguins, polar bears, dolphins and octopi. If your kid is one of those cephalophiles. It happens.

And do you know who else likes getting animals in cutely wrapped boxes? Girlfriends. And boyfriends. Okay, maybe not boyfriends. But if you’re trying to get some this holiday season, nothing says Open-For-Business like a 400-pound reptile. Ho ho ho indeed.

(Photo by Getty Images)