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"Actually, I feel pretty good. Things are finally going according to my plan—that's right, fools!—who do you think has been pulling the neo-cons strings? Me. Like a Sith Lord I have also been directing Hezbollah through a series of re-routed late night drunken texts! Fools! Never listen to military commands that are preceded with the phrase 'What r u up to?'"
Mr. Show alum Paul F. Tompkins took over the "Sedaratives" advice column in the November/December issue of The Believer. Check out the sage wisdom he offered an itching Austinite:
Dear Sedaratives,
I’ve been infected with poison oak or ivy. Research and doctors have told me that there is no cure and I will suffer from constant itching, oozing, and blisters for the next two to three weeks. I don’t believe the doctors. I think they are hiding something just so those of us who are highly allergic to this evil plant can suffer. Do you know of home remedy that will make the pain go away?
Jennifer
Austin, Tex.
Paul's response:
Dear Jennifer,
I fear for your safety now that you have revealed this conspiracy. Poison oak is the least of your problems. You’d better get out of the country and I mean now.Also, I’m mocking you. Stop being ridiculous! That’s what the doctor cabal picked as the official affliction they’re gonna fold their arms over and do nothing about? Do you know how many kinds of insane cancers there are out there that they’ve probably just given up on? Come on. Tough it out. Watch where you’re walking next time. Also, “Do you know of home remedy”? Did you think talking like a villager in an old Wolfman movie would make me cough up some secret gypsy cure?
"I just like when either paper tries to make a murder victim prettier after they die. Like the headline will be, “Beauty Slain” and you look at the photo and you’re like ehh, how about 'Body Found?'"
On Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson:
"Rudy Giuliani is toast. Who needs a former U.S. Attorney when you can elect a fake Manhattan District Attorney, Fred Thompson? Why even consider a real law and order guy like Giuliani, who took years to bust the mob, when you can get behind a candidate who puts bad guys behind bars in 44 minutes, without commercials? Who better to be Commander in Chief than Fred Thompson, who steered a fake aircraft right into a fake conflict in The Hunt for Red October?
"But what are Thompson's positions on the real issues? Where does he stand on abortion or Iraq? Hold that thought. If you watched Law and Order episode 15 this season, you know that Thompson, as D.A. Arthur Branch, was stunningly decisive in his adjudication of an ex-athlete who murdered his wife. He'd do the same for America."
Over at the Bob and Davider you'll find this Super Deluxe clip in which Brody Stevens attempts to accomplish three challenges within his interview with David Cross. Will he succeed?
"There is nowhere for me to hang out in Hollywood. I often wake up on my floor wondering why I keep staying in and drinking by myself, listening to Rufus Wainwright. It is because Hollywood is a giant high school, and I am the well-pimpled, chubby goth chick, who sits alone in the cafeteria writing poetry in her notebook about killing unicorns."
"I like the feeling that what happens on stage should be unpredictable. There's nothing better than having people totally relaxed and enjoying what's going on and then sort of gently guiding them into some weird area. But it's not fair just to be weird and obscure. You've got to get the audience involved first. Then get weird on them."
"I think it's freedom of speech. What happened to that? What happened to expressing yourself? At least I know where he stands. And you know what? When he called them 'nappy headed hos' I went, 'Wow. He's right.'"
[Laughter, mild outrage from View co-hosts]
"Listen, listen, listen. It's a joke. You know, black people at home laughing right now, white people are sittin' there going, 'Well, that's not right.'
Tim Heidecker: "Tickling. When I’m tickled. I guess Eric makes me laugh."
Eric Wareheim: "We do have a major problem when we’re shooting bits. Tim makes me laugh and I can’t keep it together."
Tim: "I also make myself laugh, which is really embarrassing."
Eric: "Tim also laughs at his own comedy during rough cuts. He’ll start just loving his performance. We have a live show now on Super Deluxe and we’re a little worried that the first five minutes is going to be us just trying to keep it together. It’s going to be a big problem." (The live show premiered last night, by the way.)
