Guess what. Your cat doesn't like you nearly as much as you think it does.

In fact, if your cat was as big as you, it would eat you. And if your cat had opposable thumbs, it would cut your throat with a kitchen knife. And if your cat had access to military-grade anti-tank weaponry, it would shoot you in the face with a bazooka. And if your cat were a dealer, it would sell you really beat skag mixed with baby laxative and then never return your phone calls. And if your cat were an egg, it would refuse to be fry sufficiently until you left the oven range for thirty seconds to put on a new CD and then it would burn to a crisp instantly.

Here's some things you might not have known about cats:

* Cats are evil.
* Cats do not actually die, but in fact molt into faeries (evil faeries).
* A cabal of tabbies served as advisers to Pol Pot, dictator of Cambodia, throughout most of the late '70s.
* The length of a cat's pregnancy is anywhere from 58 to 65 days.
* The United Alliance of Cats is actively seeking access to military-grade anti-tank weaponry.

Your only defense as a human is to know what the cats know. Get inside their brains. Eat their food. Use their litterboxes. Lick your balls with your tongue. Watch their news programming.