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We have it on relatively good authority that at least a small percentage of the Comedy Central website readers appreciate the odd pun or witticism. Some have even been said to fancy a bon mot from time to time.
But have you ever wondered how comedy professionals manage to crank out so much hilarious crap day after day like so much pepermint-flavored toothpaste? Here's a hint: it's not vodka. Well, not entirely. It's comes through relentless practice, persistant training, and tenacious vodka. And you, too, can learn to write jokes funny enough to make Kofi Annan punch Peter Fonda in the face (on the off-chance that the two of them should be standing near each other for some reason).
Here's what you'll need:
* Vodka
* A pen or pencil
* A mixer of some sort
* A desk or flat surface
* A writing hat
* A wedge of lime or lemon
* Really funny ideas
* Paper
Take all of these things, throw them in a blender, and then throw it all away becuase it's going to taste disgusting.
If you're still having problems, we would like to recommend you read, enjoy and internalize all of the wisdom of McSweeney website editor John Warner's Fondling Your Muse. Here's an excerpt:
"I'm not aware of any books about serial-murdering ponies."
Simply genius!
Recent Comments
Even more genius, the link doesn't work, but this one might http://www.writersdigest.com/muse/excerpt.asp mmmkay....
Posted by Cupie | May 15, 2006 5:28:03 PM
But if you truly want to run with the big boys, Scotch is the way to go.
Posted by Steven Graziano | May 15, 2006 7:48:50 PM
I find that my memo recorder on my mobile phone is indispensable because it allows me to jot down funny thoughts I have throughout the day. Most of them seem to happen while I'm driving (without any alcohol). Alcohol does make me funnier though.
Posted by UH2L | May 26, 2006 1:09:46 PM
you know helps me laugh and mimic the world....my relatives! thank goodness for all the twinkies in the old genetic cess pool...what would us writers do without the family? God bless all of you, yes even you Great Uncle Rof and your endless pots of stew and belief that someone after all these years is still coming to take you away to a labour camp. Yes relatives, thanks also for the nightmares and reminders of the genetic horrors that are ready to get me at any moment! Where would a writer be without you?
Posted by Denise K | Jul 4, 2006 4:14:01 PM
RANDOM THOUGHTS VS. STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS-
AND DOES YOUR PHARMACIST VALIDATE?
IT’S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT FUNNEL CAKE HAS BECOME ALL THE RAGE NOW. HAVING NEVER HAD FUNNEL CAKE I CANNOT CONFIRM OR DENY IT’S ALLEGED TASTINESS. I FEAR THIS FUNNEL CAKE MANIA WILL BE THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION AND CARNIVAL FOLK EVERYWHERE.
BRING BACK THE DAYS WHEN BIGGIE FRIES AND MEDIUM FROSTY’S WERE THE CHERISHED STAPLES OF AMERICAN GLUTTONY. WHEN RICHARD SIMMONS, NOT NANCY GRACE, WAS THE MOST IRRITATING WOMAN ON TELEVISION. I’VE ALWAYS FELT LIKE AN OUTSIDER IN THIS WORLD- THE MARILYN OF THE MUNSTER FAMILY, THE PIA ZADORA OF THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD.
MY THERAPIST COMPARED ME TO A CAT, SAYING I HATED MY OWN KIND. HE WAS ALMOST CORRECT IN HIS ASSESSMENT. I DON’T HATE MY OWN KIND, I JUST DON’T RELATE.
ONE NIGHT I WENT TO A MENSA MEETING, YOU’D THINK WITH ALL THAT BRAIN POWER THOSE EGGHEADS COULD PICK OUT A DECENT BLEND OF COFFEE. OR AT THE VERY LEAST INVENT A COFFEE THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU HAVE TO PEE EVERY FIVE SECONDS. I MADE MY CONCERNS KNOWN TO THE GROUP. I LASTED FORTY- FIVE MINUTES. AS I RACED FOR THE DOOR WITH THREE ROCKET SCIENTISTS (EACH WITH THE PERSONALITY OF A STAPLER) ON MY TAIL, I SCREAMED OUT, “HOW MANY NANO SECONDS IN FORTY-FIVE MINUTES?!”
JOINING GROUP ANYTHING IS NOT REALLY FOR ME. CHAT ROOM’S ARE THE NEW THING. ALL THAT ANONYMITY. ONE NIGHT I INNOCENTLY WANDERED INTO ONE- TRANSEXUAL CENTRAL. I’M NOT REALLY SURE IF I LEARNED ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY KNEW, BUT I DID GET A KILLER RECIPE FOR AN APPLE BROWN BETTY FROM A HE/SHE NAMED CASSANDRA. HE/SHE THOUGHT BART SIMPSON WAS THE BEST ACTOR EVER. I GOT THE FEELING THAT BEFORE CASSANDRA MADE THE SWITCH HE/SHE WAS A STONER WITH CAMARO HAIR NAMED CARL. I HEAR HE/SHE LIVES IN THE SUBURBS NOW AND DRIVES A MINI VAN.
MAYBE SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE I BECAME CYNNICAL AND SLOWLY CLOSED THE DOOR ON THE REST OF THE WORLD. I’LL ASK THE LADY THAT DELIVERS MY MEALS ON WHEELS WHAT SHE THINKS THE NEXT TIME SHE STOPS BY.
THE OTHER DAY I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH CHANNELS WHEN I STUMBLED UPON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW- THE LIVE VERSION. MY NEIGHBOR WAS VERY FOCUSED AS SHE REARRANGED HER COLLECTION OF LAWN GNOMES AROUND HER FLOWER BOX. IT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE ARMY PROTECTING THE FLOWER BOX. IT WASN’T SO MUCH A FLOWER BOX, BUT A 1973 EL CAMINO. I WOULD HAVE YELLED OUT THE WINDOW TO SAY HELLO, BUT SHE WOULDN’T HAVE HEARD ME ANYWAY. HER SON WAS WARMING UP THE TOW TRUCK. SHE WAS WHAT SOME CALL UPPER WHITE TRASH, AS OPPOSED TO REGULAR WHITE TRASH. UPPER WHITE TRASH BRINGS THE HUBCAPS INSIDE AND USES THEM AS ASHTRAYS. REGULAR WHITE TRASH JUST LEAVES THEM ON THE LAWN TO RUST. IT’S A FINE LINE I GUESS.
SHE’S REALLY INTO POLITICS. SHE ACTUALLY CAMPAIGNED FOR A GAY CANDIDATE. HIS BASE WAS SINGLE WOMEN UNDER FORTY AND SINGLE MEN WHO WEAR BASE. HE WASN’T REALLY IN SYNC WITH THE CONSTITUENCY THOUGH. HIS PLATFORM WAS DESIGNER UNDERWEAR, BROWN IS OUT AND LET’S PUT A POTTERY BARN ON FIRE ISLAND- HE LOST BY A LANDSLIDE. APPARENTLY HE WAS UNAWARE OF THE SHIFTING WINDS. THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF SINGLE-MINDEDNESS. MOST PEOPLE ARE HANES WEARING, BROWN LOVING, COSTCO/WALMART SHOPPERS- FOUR PACKS FOR FIVE DOLLARS! OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I AVOID THE BULK/DISCOUNT SUPERSTORES. I HAVE NO NEED FOR A FORTY-POUND BAG OF PEANUTS OR A GROSS OF SPATULAS. BESIDES, I DON’T LIKE BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE UNWASHED MASSES DURING THEIR SHOPPING FRENZY. I START TO PANIC AT THE THOUGHT OF GENERIC CLOTHED, MIDDLE CLASS STOCK FOAMING AT THE MOUTH OVER A BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL. I SAVE MY MONEY FOR MY THERAPIST.
IF HE WROTE ME A PRESCRIPTION FOR A FORTY-POUND TUB OF MOOD STABILIZERS, I’D CONSIDER IT. BUT PROBABLY NOT.
I ALWAYS GET STUCK BEHIND THE NINETY YEAR OLD COUPLE AT THE CHECKOUT. THE COUPLE THAT TAKES TWENTY MINUTES TO PUT THEIR THREE CASES OF METAMUCIL, AND THEIR SIX BOXES OF ADULT DIAPERS ON THE COUNTER FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. I GUESS THEY WANT TO LET US KNOW THEY HAVE NO DIGNITY LEFT. THEN THEY REALIZE THEY FORGOT THE FOUR JUGS O’ PRUNE JUICE BECAUSE THEY WERE DAYDREAMING ABOUT THE EARLYBIRD SPECIAL THEY SHARED AT DENNY’S, THE ONE THEY GOT AT TWENTY PERCENT OFF WITH THEIR SENIOR DISCOUNT. THE MEAL THEY ATE AT FOUR, SO THEY COULD BE IN BED BY SIX. THE ONLY SPARKS THEY HAVE LEFT ARE THE ONES THEIR SEATBELT LEAVES AS IT DANGLES OUT THE DOOR AS THEY MAKE THEIR WAY HOME.
I TRY TO GET TO BED EARLY SOMETIMES. I JUST END UP THINKING TOO MUCH. I THINK ABOUT THINGS I’VE HEARD ON THE NEWS, LIKE BANANA’S. I HEAR THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY TO EXTINCTION. IF THAT HAPPENS, WHAT ABOUT THE TARANTULAS? THEY TRAVEL AROUND IN THE BUNCHES. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO THEN? WILL THEY HAVE TO USE TRAVELOCITY LIKE THE REST OF US? WILL THEY FIND THAT LITTLE GNOME IN THE COMMERCIALS FUNNY? DO THEY EVEN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR? AND IF THEY DO, WOULD THAT EVEN TRANSLATE? I HATE TOMATOES. WHY CAN’T THEY BE PHASED OUT? NATURE IS SO CRUEL. TAKE BEE’S, DO THEY WONDER WHY EVERYBODY HATES THEM? WHAT ABOUT STARBUCK’S, THAT’S A HERD THAT CAN BE THINNED OUT. I SAW MY THERAPIST AT STARBUCK’S ONCE. I FELT SELF-CONSCIOUS. WOULD HE JUDGE ME BASED ON WHAT I DRINK? I WOULD HAVE IGNORED HIM, BUT WE MADE EYE CONTACT. I HAD THE URGE TO ASK HIM WHAT PERCENTAGE OF MY MONTHLY BILL WENT TO HIS DESIGNER COFFEE, HIS RANGE ROVER PAYMENT AND HIS COLLECTION OF ASSORTED VACUUM PUMPS. I JUST ASSUMED.
IF THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, WHY CAN’T THEY INVENT DUST FREE DUST? OR A CINNAMON ROLL WITHOUT THE RAISINS. THAT’S ANOTHER FOOD ITEM THAT CAN GO THE WAY OF THE DINOSAURS. OF COURSE THAT WOULD ELIMINATE GRAPES, WHICH I DO LIKE. I DIDN’T REALLY LIKE THE GRAPES OF WRATH THOUGH, TOO MUCH DUST. AT LEAST I HAVE BULK KLEENEX FOR THAT. THE ONE ITEM AT THE DISCOUNT WAREHOUSES WORTH MY TIME. I WONDER IF DR. PHIL BUYS HIS KLEENEX IN BULK. A LOT OF PEOPLE END UP CRYING ON HIS SHOW. MAYBE I’LL SEND SOME. HE CAN DISPENSE SOME OF HIS DOWN HOME, ACERBIC WISDOM TO THE THREE HUNDRED POUND LADY WHO CAN’T LOSE WEIGHT. SHE’LL CRY, HE’LL HAVE PLENTY OF KLEENEX. MAYBE HE’LL TELL HER TO STAY AWAY FROM FUNNEL CAKE.
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO HAVE A TALK SHOW NOW. EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE A DOCTOR OF SOMETHING. AND PSYCHICS ARE EVERYWHERE. I GUESS IF YOU CAN GET ENOUGH PEOPLE TO BELIEVE YOU ARE WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF, YOU’RE EXACTLY THAT. NOBODY QUESTIONS ANYTHING ANYMORE. I THINK I’LL WALK AROUND WITH ONE OF THOSE- HELLO, MY NAME IS… TAGS AND JUST WRITE IN THE BLANK SPACE, NOBODY IMPORTANT. THAT WAY I CAN GET ANY MYSTERY ABOUT ME OUT OF THE WAY. I READ MYSTERY BOOKS ON OCCASION BUT I PREFER AUTOBIOGRAPHIES. I READ AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY ON ADOLPH HITLER ONCE. THERE’S A GUY THAT COULD HAVE USED MOOD STABILIZERS BY THE TUB. IF COSTCO HAD BEEN AROUND IN HIS DAY WE MIGHT HAVE AVERTED THE GENOCIDE OF MILLIONS.
SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT THE HOLOCAUST NEVER HAPPENED. THEY THINK IT WAS MADE UP. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY REALLY BELIEVE THIS, OR IF THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO BE CONTROVERSIAL FOR CONTROVERSIES SAKE. EITHER WAY, THEY SHOULD ALL JOIN EACH OTHER AS A GROUP. THEY CAN HAVE MEETINGS. WE’LL BUILD THEM A CAMP WHERE THEY CAN GO ON RETREATS. WE’LL HAVE ACTIVITES SET UP FOR THEM, LIKE- HOW MANY OF YOU CAN GO DAYS WITHOUT EATING OR DRINKING OR SHOWERING? OR, WHO’S GOT THE MOST LICE? WHO’S GOT THE WORST DYSENTERY? MAYBE A ROUND OF BURNED ALIVE, GASSED, OR SHOT IN THE HEAD? WE CAN GIVE OUT PRIZES TO THE SURVIVORS… LITTLE TROPHY’S READING, “THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU”
I GOT A TROPHY ONCE. SECOND GRADE SPELLING CHAMPION. I SPELLED THE WORD “CHRYSANTHEMUM” NOT AN EASY WORD FOR A SECOND GRADER, BUT SOMEHOW I GOT IT RIGHT. I’M NOT REALLY A FLOWER PERSON, ALTHOUGH I DO LIKE JAPANESE MAPLE TREES. AND THERE WAS A CHRYSANTHEMUM DYNASTY IN JAPAN, SO I GUESS IT’S ALL RELATED SOMEHOW. ONE DAY I WENT TO A NURSERY AND LOOKED AT ALL THE FLOWERS AND TREES. I TOUCHED A ROSE BUSH AND PUNCTURED MY FINGER. A FEW DAYS LATER I WENT TO SEE MY THERAPIST WHO HAD SOME ROSES IN HIS OFFICE. APPARENTLY SOMEBODY THINKS HIGHLY OF HIM. AS I LISTENED TO HIM DRONE ON AND ON ABOUT MY INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE, I DRIFTED OFF THINKING ABOUT THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION. THE NEXT THING I KNEW HE WAS WRITING A PRESCRIPTION. I ASSUMED MY SESSION WAS OVER. I GOT UP, TOOK THE PIECE OF PAPER AND MADE MY WAY TO THE PHARMACY.
WHEN I PULL INTO A PARKING LOT I CIRCLE FIRST. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I’M NOT LOOKING FOR THE BEST SPACE. NOT EVEN FOR THE CLOSEST ONE. I JUST HAVE TO GET TO KNOW THE PLACE FIRS
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