1. How often do you engage in sexual relations on average?
a) More than once a week.
b) Once a week.
c) Once a year.
d) Once, back in college.

2. How often do you introduce toys into sexual play?
a) Never.
b) Never ever.
c) Less than never ever.
d) I have an action figure up my butt now.

3. What types of sex toys do you use most often?
a) Dildos.
b) Vampire teeth.
c) Nipple clamps.
d) Raw, gutted fish.

4. When using raw, gutted fish as a sex toy, how often does it stimulate orgasm?
a) Always.
b) Every time.
c) 100% of the time.
d) I have a trout up my butt now.

5. How would you best describe the image of a raw, gutted fish lying atop a nude woman's bosom?
a) Sexy!
b) Hot!
c) Hosexy!
d) It kind of reminds me of Paris Hilton for some reason.

Please add up your score. A's are worth 3 points, B's are worth 9 points, C's are worth -2 points, and D's are worthless. Once you are finished calculating, please watch the newest episode of Mitch Magee and Jamey C. Shafer's poignantly erotic Sexual Intercourse American Style on Channel 102.