The New York Times refused to show up for the White House Correspondents' Dinner this weekend on the claim that the event "undercuts the credibility of the press." Then it proceeds to print the following golf jokes in its "Comedy Club" section under "Five things you never want to be told on the first tee." To wit:

1. “If you see an abandoned golf cart by the fifth hole, don’t worry. Somebody saw a big alligator out there, and we sent Gus out to take a look a couple hours ago.”

Look New York Times, if you're going to undercut your reputation with sub-hackery we're happy to oblige. Here's our crappy list of things you never want to be told on the first tee:

1. "Looks like we're all here. Hey O.J., found your wife yet?"

2. "What is the deal with the Titleist Pro V1 golf ball? I mean seriously, it makes the Bridgestone B330-S play like the Top Flite D2 straight. Am I right fellas?"

3. "Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"T."
"T who?"
"Tee-off before this Ex-Lax kicks in. Hey-o!"

4. "I'm fucking your wife."

Videogum points us to this awesome MILF Island t-shirt, which inspired us to think of other 30 Rock merchandise we'd like to see:

• Official Beeper King Beeper
• Who Dat Ninja? Nunchakus
• Donaghy's Estates Champagne Flute
• President Jasper Buckleman Commemorative Coin
• Frank's Do-It-Yourself Ironic Hat Appliqués
• Tracy Jordan/Michael McDonald Mashup mp3s
• "This is the Devil's Temperature" Coffee Mug
• Japanese Porn Star Diet Book (Blank pieces of paper you can rip out and eat!)
• Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Ringtone
• Gold Case Briefcase Full of Gold
• AIDS-Injected Chicken Nuggets
• What Do You Want to Take Behind The Middle School And Get Pregnant? Board Game
• Honky Grandma Be Trippin' Dress-Up Set
• Redonkeykong Source Award
• Rural Juror Whirling Dervish
• "Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week"/"Nothing is Impossible Except Dinosaurs" Tote Bag

From Indecision 2008...

Legendary Monty Python genius John Cleese has offered his speechwriting services to Barack Obama if he gets the Democratic nomination. We'd like to say right out that we love this idea. With Cleese behind him, Obama would be unstoppable.

Keep reading...

Also...
Stephen Colbert Discusses Cheesesteaks with College Journalist
John McCain Will Monger Whatever War He Wants, However He Wants
Barack Obama Does Not Have a Bionic Vibrating Penis

The three ladies from your college registrar office who brought you It's Raining McCain, now bring you "Here Comes McCain Again"...

(via Indecision 2008)

It's April 1st, so you know what that means. For the editorial staff of the Seattle Times, it's an excuse to roast that eternal Pacific Northwest chestnut, "Why the fuck is it so hard to get laid in this sun-forsaken town?"

The article in question: "When it comes to dating, show her the funny"

'If a guy can't make me laugh, it's just not going to work out,' said 31-year-old Amanda Caines, who works in photography production and lives in Tacoma.

And guys, in turn, also feel the heat to make a woman laugh on a date...

'It's about risk taking, it's about leadership, it's about someone willing to go out there and make a statement,' said Gina Barreca, an English professor at the University of Connecticut who studies gender and humor. 'Those are traits we associate with masculinity.'

Luckily for you, Comedy Central Insider lotharios Eric "The Long" March, Dennis "Bones" DiClaudio and Dustin "Priapism" Chinn, who have regulated hundreds of girlfriends of every shade, give this delicious fruit tart of romantic analysis their velvety tongue-tipped seal of approval.

As 79% of the women we've slept with have attested, it was our encyclopedic knowledge and application of Simpsons quotes that prompted the "raising of the vaginal portcullis," as the kids say.

So just follow our advice, and you'll be well on your way to getting your self-loathing, passive aggressive ass laid:

• If you're going on a date, dress up well in your best ironic t-shirt. If it says "Getting Lucky in Kentucky," chances are you'll be getting lucky too, in whatever state you live in.
• A well-placed pun is a great way to o-pun a woman's heart.
• Nothing gets a woman wetter, faster than an Arnold Schwarzenegger from "Kindergarten Cop" impression.
• On the third date, she may ask you to recite all of the lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic's "I Lost on Jeopardy." Make sure you are prepared. Come to think of it, you probably already are.
• If your date is a dinner date, order the funniest thing on the menu. This is usually the cod.
• Two words: fart
• Remember to leave the toilet seat up, because you will not see the problem in doing this, but she will get mad at you. In fact, this is a fundamental difference between men and women that you can endlessly exploit for humor throughout the course of the relationship. Am I right? Am I right?
• No woman can say no to a knight who says "Nee!"

And most of all, remember to take copious notes while you're dating around. This stuff is gold for your next open mic set.

 

Craig Kilborn spoke with the Onion in make-believe-land, and -- thankfully!!! -- he's finally ready to re-helm the comedy-news show he originated.

"Jon Stewart's been doing a real fine job filling in for me while I pursued my other projects, but I think it's time for me to take back the reins. Sure, The Daily Show's gotten a little slow, but there's nothing wrong with it that couldn't be fixed with a little of Craiggers' old 'Five Questions' magic."

Now, if we can just get the ghost of Johnny Carson back on the Tonight Show.