If you think about it, those candy hearts were sort of a predecessor to Twitter, in that it they feature short messages, and it's not really a good idea to try to eat them. So it makes sense that a lot of folks would take to Twitter to spread their Valentine's Day messages. With that in mind, here are a bunch of V-Day-themed tweets from some of our favorite comedians:

Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

February 14, 2012 7:14 am via Tweetbot for iOSReplyRetweetFavorite

@robdelaney

rob delaney

Read more »

January is almost over. Winter is halfway through and change is in the air. People were born and people died. Flowers wilted and seedlings sprouted. Girls became women and boys became men. Boyz II Men changed their names to Men II Old Guyz. I finally got my period. And the final week of voting for Comedy Central's Stand-Up Month came to an end.

Here are the winners, along with the times their specials will air tonight:

Amy Schumer: 9/8c

Read more »

Voting is at the heart of America's democracy. And that heart is a withering, decaying muscle, barely able to pump blood to its feeble limbs. On the other hand, no it's not. Voting is great, and America is great! Sorry, I get schizophrenic when I have to make tough decisions. I'm trying to choose which comedians to Watch, Like and Follow in order to vote for them in this week's Stand-Up Month competition. The winners will have their specials air this Friday starting at 9/8c.

This week, you can choose between Patton Oswalt, Louis CK, Paul F. Tompkins, Pete Holmes, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Julian McCullough, Sheng Wang and Kristen Schaal. Here's one of my favorite clips from Patton…

It's like Sophie's Choice if I actually knew what Sophie's Choice was about. It's about World War II or something, right?

For more stand-up, don't miss the premiere of John Mulaney: New In Town Saturday at 10/9c.

From bin Laden to Gaddafi, 2011 will be remembered for the downfall of many deranged madmen, but one unhinged maniac survived his attack and the whole thing was broadcast on TV. I'm speaking of course of Charlie Sheen who took an onslaught of zings and barbs in what ultimately became the biggest Roast in Comedy Central history.

This year, I wanted to get you the traditional Twelve Days of Christmas gifts, but I ran into a little trouble. It turns out it's not yet technologically possible to transmit French hens and leaping lords electronically via blog. Get on it, science! Bottom line, I had to go with plan-B, which is a collection of twelve Christmas-themed stand-up clips. You wouldn't even know how to cook turtle doves anyway.

Jim Gaffigan

Read more »

As mentioned earlier, apart from being hilarious, one of the most noteworthy things about Patrice O'Neal was the level of admiration he garnered from his fellow comics. He had virtually as many fans within the stand-up community as he did in the theater seats, so the outpouring of tweets by comedians following the news of Patrice's death came as no surprise. As a tribute to Patrice and the high esteem in which he was held, we've collected some of those in-the-moment reactions from his friends in the comedy world.

Read more »

When I first heard Conrad Murray was found guilty of manslaughter in the Michael Jackson case, I was stunned. But then I realized Conrad Murray is not the guy who played the dad on Diff'rent Strokes, and I was considerably less stunned. Nonetheless, for more reactions to the verdict, we scoured Twitter and dug up some of the funniest tweets by comedians about the news.

I guess I'll never get to use my Dr. Conrad Murray Groupon now

November 7, 2011 11:42 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@paulscheer

Paul Scheer

Like that one? Well, shamon and read some more after the jump.

Read more »

Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make such good milk shakes?
A: Because he buys all the finest ingredients.

That's the best Michael J. Fox joke I know, but I think Anthony Jeselnik might have it beat in this clip from the Sheen Roast.

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen premieres Monday at 10/9c.

As promised, The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen taped in Los Angeles on Saturday, and by all accounts it was bananas. But unless you have a time-machine or a high-def-capable crystal ball, you're going to have to wait another week to see it for yourself. Fortunately, we'll have preview clips to whet your appetite all week, and we've collected a whole bunch of tweets from the night that should give you a decent glimpse of the show. SPOILER ALERT: Steve-O broke his face.

More tweets can be found below.

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen premieres Monday, September 19 at 10/9c.

Read more »

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen is taping this weekend and the complete dais has finally been revealed. Along with the previously announced Mike Tyson, Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik and Steve-O and Roast Master Seth MacFarlane, the roasters will include Patrice O'Neal, Jon Lovitz, Amy Schumer, previous roastee William Shatner and Private Practice's Kate Walsh. As if that wasn't a diverse enough group already, the Roast will also feature a special guest appearance by Slash. The musician Slash, not the accountant Slash.

We'll have more details as they surface as well as clips after the taping. In the meantime, here's roastee-turned-roaster William Shatner:

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen tapes Saturday and premieres Monday, September 19 at 10/9c.