All that's missing from this is Bill Hicks teaching Patton Oswalt how to fish cigarettes out of the corner vending machine.

In case you missed it, here's Funk's ShredDown contribution.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Dig the more organic-looking designs courtesy of creator Matt Groening, especially the "having a heart attack" Homer and "I'm going to shoot you" Maggie.

In other news, 44 cents? Holy flurking schnit! Trying to soften the blow of the First Class rate hike, are we? Damn you, USPS. Damn you all to hell.

Think of it as Space Cowboys meets  every road trip comedy in the past fifteen years. This would be a perfect Don Ameche/Jack Lemmon picture, but I'd settle for the cast of The Bucket List, as well as that 74 year old porn star in the eventual Japanese remake.

Good news for Zack Galifianakis, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms: The Hangover doesn't even come out until June 5, but has generated enough focus group heat that Warner Bros. commissioned a sequel. Were producers this confident about an X-Men sequel before the original premiered?

Will the next film introduce the three friends to the hair of the dog? Doesn't matter; that's the screenwriters' problem. This is no Snakes on a Plane.

See Also: New Trailer for The Hangover with Ed Helms, Rob Riggle and Zach Galifianakis

Today started off like any other day at the offices of Comedy Central Insider. We sat down at our desks, wrote sentences referencing "the offices of Comedy Central Insider," realized we didn't have offices, or even a single office and resigned ourselves to another office-less day and a lunch of disappointing sandwiches. But all that changed when we found this:

Last May, there was a special "Sandwich Day" episode on 30 Rock. In a climactic scene, Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's character, rushes to the airport to catch her then-crush Floyd, but gets stalled at the security gate—her sandwich's dipping sauce exceeded the three ounce limit. "I can have it all," she says, choking it down before racing after Floyd. Almost a year later, and Caroline of Devil and Egg still wants to know the juicy sandwich's origins.

"If you troll around the interweb, you'll read a lot of people theorizing that it's Defonte's in Red Hook, Brooklyn, which now has a location on Third Avenue in Manhattan. But in a happy and one might say, karmic, coincidence, I happen to have a very good friend who's husband works on the set of 30 Rock."

That friend's husband's arms were twisted, and Eureka! Turns out it's from Fiore's Deli in Hoboken, New Jersey.

One thing was clear. We needed to go.

Dustin and I volunteered for the trip. We were both young and eager to prove ourselves. Neither of us had crossed state lines for sandwiches before, but we were both dressed for the occasion:

That's sex with a side of gravy.

We took orders — 13 all told — and set out under the indifferent Manhattan sun:

Our first destination? The PATH train station at Christopher St., just west of Hudson:

We descended the stairs, bought tickets and let ourselves in. The train came almost immediately, so we had nothing to do for the next six minutes except bother people:

We disembarked the train at 12:43 and immediately took a wrong turn. A kindly dockworker set us right on our way by helpfully waving his hands and scowling at us until we turned around. We passed another gentlemen who, as we approached, let out an austere belch and declaimed, "Man, I f**king love soda!" We had arrived. In New Jersey.

We took one of Hoboken's famous $3 cabs to Fiore's, which ran about $5:

Standing in line among the cured vegetables and aluminum trays filled with tomato-coated meat, I realized that I would be expected to communicate in brusque, yet charming Tri-Statese:

I didn't, but that was cool with the patient staff, who brusquely, yet charmingly led me through ordering and paying while Dustin mentally masturbated to boxed risotto with mushrooms and the coffee soda in the fridge. After some mild confusion owing to a few frantic, last minute order switches, we departed with our sandwiches in tow.

We decided to hoof it back, and passed some local monuments on the way:

Monument #1: Christ.

Monument #2: The Streetz

All in all the trip took one hour and twenty five minutes, shorter than the time it takes to get from Manchester NH to Norwalk, CT by car. And was it worth it? Well, I'll let the gravy-laden do the talking:

"That sandwich was pretty dope." – Andrew Ti

"It was bigger than I expected." – Jake Grate

"I'm not going to brush my teeth again, ever." – Jarrett Brilliant

"That sandwich put me horizontal." – Dustin Chinn

"That's the best thing I've had in my mouth since your mom's dick." – Dennis DiClaudio

“It’s the Tony Hawk of sandwiches.” -Jeff Campbell

"Hey, that was a pretty good sandwich" – Eric March

"Fiore puts Jersey back on the map. Also, Whoa!" – Erica Schwartzberg

"I feel like the champ of the universe. I just passed some skinny vegan-looking guy eating lentil soup in the kitchen and thought 'PUNY MORTAL,' then laughed evilly. In my head." -Julie Ann Pietrangelo

"This sandwich was what I imagine a gravy soaked vagina sandwich with roast beef and mozzarella would taste like, except minus the vagina and with plus deliciousness." – Gonzalo Cordova

We can have it all.

The only bit of hope I have left for the Groundhog Day musical in the works, apart from someone other than Andie McDowell in the female lead, is that Stephen Sondheim has expressed interest on writing the music/lyrics in the past. That bit of news comes from screenwriter/director Harold Ramis himself.

Now if only they could recruit Bill Murray to reprise his role, even if he pulls a Rex Harrison and talk-sings his way through it, I'll be lining up in Times Square with the rest of the tourists.

According to The Wrap, "Cohen is currently appealing the decision while simultaneously struggling with cutting the film to suit the ratings board."

Of course, this could all be part of his master plan, alerting fans that there's a dirtier version of the film available for DVD but guaranteeing enough controversy to bring in audiences for the R-rated theatrical release. Well played, Mr. Cohen. Well played.

Caroline's

Comics get one minute to win over the crowd in the first round, two minutes for the round of 32, four minutes for the Sweet Sixteen, seven for the Final Four and ten for the championship. It's like condensing years of angst and rejection into a few weeks' worth of stage time.

The New York Times highlights a few of the entrants and their jokes. Brooklynite and finalist Rob O'Reilly outlines his attack philosophy:

“My strategy during the shorter sets is to try and come off as very likable, very clean, and to try and get the crowd on my side . . . As a comedian, you want to reach the later rounds so that you have more time to mess with the audience, and more time to be funny.”

If you're curious about the affair, tickets are still available for tomorrow night's Round 4 show.

Mutilations, STDs, decapitations and more litter the highlights. Compare your fetid rat-infested list with theirs for nostalgic fun.

Please bring this bit back during Oscar-baiting season, guys.

"The patterns include 'positive repetition' such as Little Britain's 'Only gay in the village' catchphrase and 'scale' like the oversized features on caricatures in Spitting Image.

"There is also 'qualification' where a familiar word is said in an unfamiliar way. An example of this is Inspector Clouseau's accent in the Pink Panther films. . . 'Qualitative recontextualisation' is described as when something you know well is changed. An example of this is when you laugh at someone's new haircut . . . 'Application' is words having a double meaning . . . The other three patterns are 'completion' where the audience has to guess at, imagine or complete a phrase or scenario, 'division' where a joke is broken up and told by different people and 'opposition' which covers irony and sarcasm."

There you have it, the universal constant of what's funny . . . although I'm not sure where hard object-meets-genitals falls into their equations. Something must be wrong with my maths.

Clarke maintains that while the findings shouldn't serve as "how to guides for potential comedians," they could "help script writers improve sitcoms and films." Isn't that akin to saying your sex manual will only work on porn stars?

Clarke plans to publish The Humour Ten Thousand guide later this year with publishers Pyrrhic House. If you know what "Pyrrhic" means, as in "Pyrrhic victory," THAT is fuckin' funny.

If you have aspirations of writing or producing comedy, there are also plenty of quips to take heart:

SC: You have an incredibly fast-paced job now. What’s the hardest part of your day?

AS: The morning, when I need to have opinions and answers across the board very quickly. It’s a constant fight between ease and inspiration, what will make our lives easier versus what will make us excited because we were ambitious.

SC: You may throw three hours at an idea and then realize the other one was better. At a daily show you don’t necessarily have the luxury of being wrong. If you are, the last three hours of your day will feel like the last hours you’ll ever do the job. But, if you’re right, you’ll feel like you could do it for 10 years. What would you miss the most if you didn’t do this anymore?

AS: The surprises that come with comedy. You hear something you never heard or see something that doesn’t seem to make sense but somehow does.

SC: So what did writing for this character [Stephen Colbert] turn out to be?

AS: A long role-playing game. It’s like improv.

So now you know the secret to having a dream job. For the rest of Stephen and Allison's exchange, the full article is well worth printing from here.

FOX Sports analyst and future Hall of Fame defensive end Michael Strahan inked a deal to star in an upcoming sitcom, thereby joining the ranks of such football-to-TV luminaries as Lyle Alzado and Bob Golic.

He'll play . . . a retired football player? WTF? I mean, even Golic got to stretch his acting chops in Saved By the Bell: The College Years, and that was as the RA of Zach and Screech's dorm.

The show will premiere on FOX and carries the working title of Brothers, because Strahan's character goes home to reconnect with his paralyzed sibling. Not because he's black. However, it's nice to know they've got Lisa Lampanelli's attention.

The screenwriter is none other than McSweeney's founding father Dave Eggers, so along with all that comedian firepower I hope to file this project under the "bad trailer, amazing movie" category.

"I'm an old Jew. I was raised in a Jewish family where 'schwartza' was used," he said. "It's not a demeaning word and I'm not going to defend myself."

Other audience-goers were not as sympathetic, with one patron storming out in disgust.

I'm not fluent in Yiddish, but something tells me the word has more of a derogatory connotation than he's letting on, sort of like how the default Cantonese term for Caucasians was "white demon" until a few forward-thinking types realized it wasn't cool.

Instead of a comedic parry of witty insight and repartee, Mason busted out the ragged "but popular black comedians can talk about race" defense:

"Chris Rock has told a lot more jokes about whites than I have against Blacks. What about the demeaning words Blacks say about Jews?

"'If it's a racist society, the white people are the ones being persecuted because they have to defend themselves."

Wasn't that logic tired during the David Dinkins era?

Say hello to Turner Classic Movies' Essentials new co-host. Baldwin (Classic Alec pictured on right for tha ladiez) will give his take on gems such as Rocky, Cat Ballou and Ben-Hur on Saturdays at 8 p.m.

In a bizarre 30 Rock-related coincidence, John Lithgow will host The Essentials Jr. (the family-film version) in the summer.

Open mikes at the Big Three (the Improv, the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store) are easily the most sought after, because, if nothing else, we can say we stood on the same stage where Dane Cook broke the endurance record with a seven-hour set, or Sarah Silverman paced sheepishly, or Andy Dick pulled his junk out (seriously, what?). Plus, we're in the building where people have been discovered by the comedy royalty who might be walking by when we're onstage.

*Yes, there is a minor-league baseball analogy in the article.

And with that, Michael Ian Black recalls his fondest memories playing with Barbie for Forbes.com's celeb-studded feature on the doll's 50th Anniversary. Who did you expect, Bob Mackie?

Meanwhile, The Office's Mindy Kaling gets downright gruesome with her recollection.

All my Barbies were bald and naked all the time. I had so many clothes and accessories for them, but there they were in my room, naked, and their hair cut creepily short in my early stylist experiments. If you were a casual visitor to my house, you'd think a serial murderer lived in this room–a room full of naked Barbies with all their hair cut off.

You can read all the plasticine fuss here.

The project, written by Robb and Marc Cullen and due to start shooting sometime in May, follows two retired LAPD veterans who get back in the game to track down a stolen baseball card. It marks a major departure for the foul-mouthed filmmaker in that it will be his big-studio debut and the first film he didn't write himself.

In Hollywood terms, that's Die Hard With a Vengeance meets Space Cowboys. Personally, I was looking forward to the big screen adaptation of Tracy Jordan's Black Cop/White Cop.