The man told police he was "just playing around" Feb. 11 near King and Calhoun streets when he began imitating Zoidberg. The report says the 22-year-old described Zoidberg as "a lobster doctor that walks sideways with his claws out and makes noise."

When "Zoidberg" passed another man on the street, the other man reportedly asked, "What did you say to me?" The 22-year-old's friends pulled him away from the man, "telling him, 'keep going, he said nothing to you,' " according to the report.

The man reportedly followed for about 20 feet and threw the punch. The alleged assailant, who is known by the 22-year-old, reportedly ran away, the report states.

The victim is said to have sustained a chipped tooth and a possible broken nose. Here's hoping he feels better and is "Woop Woop Wooping" again soon.

Meanwhile, to the best of my knowledge, it is still safe to do a Bender impression in Raleigh and a Farnsworth impression in Richmond, but be careful out there, you guys.

For clips and upcoming air-times, visit the official Futurama site.

From Indecision…

The reason? Brazilian TV and radio broadcasters are legally forbidden from making fun of candidates ahead of the nation's Oct. 3 election and a possible second-round runoff on Oct. 31…

They call the anti-joking law — which prohibits ridiculing candidates in the three months before elections — a draconian relic of Brazil's dictatorship that threatens free speech and a blight on the reputation of Latin America's largest nation.

Many comedians are not taking it lying down (unlike your mom- ooooooooooooh!), organizing a protest on this ridiculous ban…

With the first wave of on-air political ads starting Tuesday, Brazil's comedians and satirists are planning to fight for their right to ridicule with protests in Rio de Janeiro and other cities Sunday.

"Do you know of any other democracy in the world with rules like this?" said Marcelo Tas, the acerbic host of a weekly TV comedy show that skewers politicians and celebrities alike. "If you want to find a bigger joke, you would have to look to Monty Python."

These rules would seem particularly "draconian" (does that word mean "evil like Draco Malfoy?" Because I am working on the assumption it does) to Americans whose main comedic bread and butter is making fun of political candidates. Sure, they're still allowed to make fun of the candidates in print, but who the hell reads these days? People with glasses? Come on! Don't make me puke all over my own face!

What the deal, Brazil? You guys are basically Europeans. Loosen the eff up.

To this day, I’m not sure how much of my initial impulse was personal versus professional. In any case, the next day I called my agent and asked how I might get in touch with the comedian to discuss developing a sitcom for her. My agent said she would arrange it.

This, I thought, was video dating on a whole new level.

Clay never specifies who the lady comedian is, but it doesn't really matter (at least to me it doesn't). He does wonder if he abused his power as a producer…

The inevitable question arose: Had I finally turned into the dreaded producer with the convertible-bed casting couch? Was I taking advantage of my position? …

Or had I always been too careful? Was I missing out on the excitement of living because of some obsolete puritanical ethos? … I decided to compromise: I would feast at this table of giddy romance, but wash it down with a frosty mug of guilt and paranoia.

Relationships in business are often tricky, but it's even worse in the entertainment industry, especially with comedians, who are a bunch of gossiping Gabys. Let it serve as a warning to all comedians and comedy writers; never have feelings. You should read the rest of the piece here.

A woman [named Pamela Lawrence] is demanding $20 million in damages from Sony Pictures, Chris Rock and other producers of the April comedy Death at a Funeral, claiming they ripped off her 1995 book [Caught on Video ... The Most Embarassing Moment de Funeral, July 11, 1994, Jamaican Volume 1.] about the embarrassment she suffered at a funeral in Jamaica when she was stripped of her clothing.

First of all, I can't wait for Volume 2 of Caught on Video… The Most Embarassing (sic?) Moment de Funeral, July 11, 1994 (which will then be ripped off by Grown Ups 2: Wild Hogs).

Second of all, while I'm pretty sure Chris Rock does not play a woman who is stripped of her clothing at a Jamaican funeral, this case still isn't that cuckoo beans yet. That's where Pamela's 54-page complaint comes in…

…Martin Lawrence plays a writer who is traveling from L.A. to New York and complains that if he doesn't get money, he'll have to do a reality show. In her book, Pamela Lawrence is a writer from New York traveling to Los Angeles with problems worthy of a talk show.

"Problems worthy of a talk show?" Do they just give out talk shows to people with problems? "Hey, my husband and I sleep in different beds and my kid is experimenting with drugs. May I please have my own talk show please?"

Lawrence says she was contacted by the co-vice chairman of Columbia TriStar to attend a "pitch meeting." (…) Later, she was allegedly told by them to "get lost, if you can afford to prove our action see you in court, we employee (sic) the best attorneys."

Pamela claims she sued the producer and they settled out of court. Then, a joke in the multi-million dollar film, which btw, costs millions of dollars to make, was only put into the film in order to personally insult Pamela. If this is true, she should be flattered!

Lawrence claims [the settlement] made its way into the 2010 film as a joke about Col. Harland Sanders stealing the recipe for KFC fried chicken from a slave and then settling a claim.

Lawrence claims the defendants intended to destroy the "female competition" from the "inner city" in relevant markets… that Hollywood has a consistent pattern of discriminating against women as evidenced by the fact it took 82 years for a woman to win best director at the Oscars, and that this case is an example of why there are so few minorities at Sony Pictures.

Now, comedy buffs the world over will be able to marvel at the sheer quantity of material assembled by one of the hardest working men in show business.

The Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., has opened up comedian Bob Hope's joke file to public view for the first time.

In an exhibit that links entertainment with politics, which opened Friday, the Library has organized the late comedian's 85,000 pages of jokes into topics in separate digital kiosks.

I Googled to see if there were images of Hope's joke files anywhere online and I found some here. My favorite joke is the following:

You should have seen the Christmas cards I got this year. I got one card from Dorothy Lanour (sic) Marilyn Monroe with a picture of her in a sarong on it in a bathing suit. What a picture! You know how George Washington looks straight ahead on a two cent stamp. (sic) Well, on this one he kept peeking over his shoulder.

If anything, he decided not to go with Dorothy Lamour because she was too famous and he was afraid she would derail the joke with her timelessness. Anyway, for all amateur comedy historians, there's a new well to go explore. All you have to do is travel to Washington D.C. and sift through an entire encyclopedia of jokes about Harry Truman and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Conan O’Brien will break his post-NBC silence Sunday night when he gives his first interview about his departure from “The Tonight Show” to CBS’s “60 Minutes."

But Mr. O’Brien is still under restrictions not to disparage NBC or Mr. Leno. “He flirts with the restrictions,” Mr. Kroft said in a telephone interview.

Flirting is fun, but I'd much rather watch Conan get to first base with the restrictions.

Since Conan can't appear on TV before May, how will they promote the interview which airs on May 2nd?

The limitations imposed by NBC will mean that “60 Minutes” will take some unusual steps to promote this week’s show. Because Mr. O’Brien cannot appear on television before Saturday, “60 Minutes” will have to be creative with its on-air promotions this week, Mr. Kroft said. “I think we’ll just show me talking to him and have to blank his face out,” Mr. Kroft said.

Is he kidding? Can't tell. Steve Kroft is a famous cut-up known for pulling pranks around the 60 Minutes office. Like the time he told a reporter they'd blur out Conan's face, or the time he told a reporter they'd blur out Conan's face. So many prank-em-ups!

Scientists have found that while women are slower than men at getting jokes, they enjoy them more when the penny does drop.

Research shows that women use their brain more than men to process quips and have less expectation that they will be funny.

Next time I tell a lady a joke and she doesn't like it, I'm going to tell her to wait an hour and then come back to me and then I will ask her to marry me and she will say yes, but then my parents won't approve because she is from the wrong side of the tracks and I will have to not marry her and her name will be my dying words and all my kids will be like, "Who was Martha Glokesly?" but I will take that information with me to my grave.

When a joke does hit the right note, however, they derive more pleasure from it…

The funnier the cartoon, the more the women's nucleus accumbens lit up. This was not the case for men, who seemed to expect the cartoons to be funny from the start.

Men are always like, "I want my Marmaduke to be funny even before I read the caption, motherfuckers!" And women are all like, "I have the time and patience to read the caption and be wowed by Brad Anderson's subtle wit." Science works!

Despite all this new research, scientists have still not discovered why women over 40 who work in cubicles love Cathy comics so much. AAACK!

[via The Awl]

Jean Carroll, a comedian of the 1940s and ’50s whose ready wit, impeccable timing and unorthodox blend of glamour and humor made her one of the first female stars of mainstream stand-up comedy, died at a hospital in White Plains on Jan. 1. She was 98 and lived in Hartsdale, N.Y.

Although she isn't as well-remembered as many of her male contemporaries, she had a hugely successful career, starting out in vaudeville, eventually landing record and sitcom deals, and appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show over 20 times (Thanks, Wikipedia).

Genteel by today’s standards, Ms. Carroll’s humor was radical in its day — radical, that is, in the hands of a lone woman with a microphone in front of her and an audience at her command. For a female comic to wield that sort of power was unheard of then, especially in the smoke-filled universe of nightclubs.

You should read the entire New York Times obituary, as it does a great job of highlighting Carroll's fascinating life and career. Here's a funny borscht belt style joke the obit recounts…

“The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride,” one of her best-known bits went. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.”

I know this isn't exactly the best way to start the new decade, but in a way, it almost symbolizes the turning of time. Like I will one day say to my robo-grandchildren, "When God shuts an Internet Explorer tab, he opens a Firefox window." Jean Carroll paved the way for all the female comics after her, and in a way, the best way to pay respect to her is moving forward and acknowledging the funny women of today.

Our thoughts are with Jean Carroll's family. Here's a clip of her performing for all us to enjoy.

Seriously though, Christmas is a time for giving, and you can support the Git-R-Done foundation by contributing here. It's a great cause!

[via Punchline]

Mr. Cruikshank, a 16-year-old from rural Nebraska, created the character — a tantrum-throwing 6-year-old named Fred Figglehorn whose voice is sped up to “chipmunk” levels— about four years ago…. some of Mr. Cruikshank’s YouTube videos [generate] more than 10 million hits…

Director-producer Brian Robbins (Norbit, Varsity Blues), United Talent Agency and a management company called the Collective are giving it a go with Mr. Cruikshank. “Fred: The Movie,” written by David A. Goodman, an executive producer of “Family Guy,” started filming in November for a 2010 release…

You know that screenplay you've been working on for two years. It might never be made, but you still dutifully perfect it, making sure all the jokes work just right. I mean, who knows, right? Maybe someday you'll get lucky and it will fall into the right hands.

Yeah, a sixteen year-old with a YouTube channel and an understanding of the "chipmunk" effect just beat you at your own game.

He said it took him and his siblings about 30 minutes to make one of the two-minute videos, which he watches once and forgets…

Wow, I never thought I'd feel so old this early in my life. I went to college to learn things?! That is an old man way of doing things!

[via Videogum]

After the jump, I've posted some videos of Fred's biggest YouTube hits.

This is the one where Fred goes swimming and then pees in the pool.

This is the one where Fred loses his medication and then he buzzes Kevin's doorbell and then his mom gives him his medication.

This is the one where Fred is excited to go to the dentist but then SCREAMING! ALL OF THESE VIDEOS ARE JUST SCREAMING!

The movie will be the one where this happens…

Fred: The Movie follows the character as he tries to track down Judy. Along the way he digs a hole from his backyard to hers, fantasizes about an invisibility suit, gets lost in some woods, becomes buried in sand and, when he finally does find Judy, vomits on her.

The bigger picture is that signals something. YouTube is now a legitimate avenue for a career in comedy and this isn't entirely a bad thing, but I like complaining about new things because it is fun, so that explains this post, right?

That energy combined with the music from church's band has silenced some of the laughter at the Capitol City Comedy Club next door.

Bishop Thomas said they have adjusted meeting times, turned down the band and cut the microphones, but said the church still feels pressured by the property owner to leave.

Because comedians don't already have a reputation as a bunch of Godless atheists, the club has complained to the property manager, who has given the church a move-out date. While the church has attempted to tone down their volume, catching some videos of the sermons reveals that they are in fact really, really loud.

Since the bible says, "Do unto others as badly as they do unto you," the church has been protesting the club on Saturday nights calling it a Jokes Against Jesus march.

Thomas said the church has invested more than $15,000 into its current location and can't afford to move. He said he's hopeful the march will be the first step to finding a solution.

I hope they can work it out, and God doesn't resort to locusts and raining frogs to settle matters.

[via Punchline]

After the jump, a video of a local news report of the story.

In the case, the plaintiff sued after the defendant tried to impress his golfing buddies during a bachelor party outing that included beer, tequila, and marijuana. On the 16th hole, under the influence, Travis Hayter whipped out his "Happy Gilmore shot," which the court defined in 2008 as "running from five to ten feet behind the ball and hitting it on the run."

The ball leapt up and struck the plaintiff in the wrist, then in the chest, causing permanent damage to the radial nerve. The plaintiff no longer was able to return to his former work as a woodsman on account of the incident.

Yikes! At least the woodsman's hand wasn't bitten off by an alligator.

I feel really bad for the woodsman, but you do have to ask yourself, what was he doing in a golf course? It's entirely possible he was trying to steal wood (sorry)! Maybe this drunk, high person is actually a drunk, high hero.

Besides, right before hitting the ball, he yelled, "Fore!" Of course, everybody just thought he was trailing off in the middle of yelling, "Four twenty, bro's!" (How many terrible puns am I going to make?)

"The defendant's behavior was not among the 'natural risks' of golfing to which the plaintiff can be said to have consented," ruled Judge Arthur J. LeBlanc.

If all the world’s a stage, then comedian Daniel Faneuf is in the running for best fight scene, having gotten the better of a mugger who held him at gunpoint – in real life, according to police and the comic himself…

Faneuf grabbed the assailant and reversed the gun toward his chest, according to Faneuf, who believes his improv training is largely responsible for his quick action under duress.

Talk about following the fear. Del Close? More like Del Clothesline In the Neck.

The weapon turned out to be a pellet gun, but Faneuf didn't know that at the time. The mugger probably didn't even need a gun. If his object work had been up to par, Faneuf would have yes-and'ed it anyway (all the improv nerds get these references, right?)

Just to give you some insight into this Daniel Faneuf character, I looked up his Improv Asylum bio page. Here's what it says about him:

Daniel is very proud and excited to begin his second revue with the Main Stage. Daniel comes from Improv Asylum’s NXT cast, Improv Asylum’s Touring Company and the infamous cast of Suffolk University’s Improv Comedy Troupe “Seriously Bent.” Enjoy the show.

Nowhere on there do they mention his ability to pistol whip bitches upside the head…

“Eventually I have the barrel of the gun in one hand, and I’m holding him down with my other hand,” Faneuf said, adding that he resorted to pistol-whipping the still-resistant mugger – until the gun shattered into pieces on the ground.

The interesting thing about this story is that this is the first time improv has been used to fight back a mugger. Before this point, the technique had only been used to fight back audiences. ZING! Please don't beat me up!

An unlikely ecosystem has developed in the northwest corner of Queens. Just as there are some creatures that flourish at certain warm depths of a coral reef but not a foot deeper where the water is colder, a thriving hive of comedians has affixed itself to Astoria, perfectly suited to the particular microclimate there.

Get it? Because comedians are like bottom-feeders.

“It’s cool to live in Brooklyn, but comics aren’t the cool kids,” Mr. [Grant] Gordon said, standing outside the Neptune Diner on Astoria Boulevard. “We just want somewhere cheap. I’ve never had a hip bar that I go to that has, like, indie music bands. I just do shows and go home.”

Fair enough. According the article, when asked to assemble as many stand-up comedians as he could, Dan Allen was able to get twenty-seven comedians together for a picture in just one day's notice. To be fair though, most comedians are unemployed and single, so how big an accomplishment was it really?

“My block is so quiet,” begins a joke that Moody McCarthy has added to his routine, “if there’s any yelling at night that means Ecuador scored a goal."

LOL. With a name like Gonzalo Cordova, you probably thought I was from Kansas City, Kansas, but my family is actually from Ecuador, so I know what that is like. Growing up, I was always like, "Stop scoring goals Ecuador! A six-year-old needs his sleep, ya know?!"

The New York Times linked to two comedy videos shot in Astoria. I've embedded the videos after the jump.

Not to get too involved in this controversy, but if you're going to excuse Roman Polanski for making good movies, shouldn't we put him in jail for The Ninth Gate and Pirates?

Mayor Booker should place that angry Newark resident in the Newark Regional Theater no-act list.

Yesterday I made fun of Michigan. Today, in solidarity with Conan O'Brien, I am going to attempt some Newark jokes.

1. In 1996, TIME Magazine called Newark the most dangerous city in the nation. While most citizens at the time were upset by the ranking, it was nothing compared to the ranking given to them a few years later by SMELL Magazine.
2. After banning Conan from Newark International Airport, Mayor Cory Booker considered banning Conan from Newark's biggest landmark as well but decided it was unnecessary upon realizing the biggest landmark was actually just Newark International Airport.
3. Newark is famous for its industry. In fact, most residents of the Tri-State area are very familiar with its two biggest exports: pollution and assholes.

After the jump, video of the actual joke in question.

For some reason, no news source I could find actually stated on which date the episode aired, so I had to dig through Conan's monologues to find the joke. It took me awhile, but I found it! Everything I do, I do it for you.

Mozart, or MoMo as friends and family know him, came in second last week in the Cutest Dog Competition with 2,780 votes.

This week he is running neck and neck with a new challenger, Stephen Colbert el dos, a Pomeranian Chihuahua mixed-breed puppy from Atlanta, Georgia.

MoMo's owner is crying foul. "It's just coming out of nowhere," Cara McCool said. "It's just unfortunate. MoMo is named after a famous person too, but he's dead."

Well, I've definitely been there. I've lost count of the number of times I've lost out on a million dollars because Mozart didn't live to be 253 years old and make my dog cuter.

Anyway, good luck to all the dogs. Just all the dogs in the world. Good luck to you guys.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

UPDATE: Stephen Colbert el dos won this week's semifinal. Good boy.