January is almost over. Winter is halfway through and change is in the air. People were born and people died. Flowers wilted and seedlings sprouted. Girls became women and boys became men. Boyz II Men changed their names to Men II Old Guyz. I finally got my period. And the final week of voting for Comedy Central's Stand-Up Month came to an end.

Here are the winners, along with the times their specials will air tonight:

Amy Schumer: 9/8c

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Voting is at the heart of America's democracy. And that heart is a withering, decaying muscle, barely able to pump blood to its feeble limbs. On the other hand, no it's not. Voting is great, and America is great! Sorry, I get schizophrenic when I have to make tough decisions. I'm trying to choose which comedians to Watch, Like and Follow in order to vote for them in this week's Stand-Up Month competition. The winners will have their specials air this Friday starting at 9/8c.

This week, you can choose between Patton Oswalt, Louis CK, Paul F. Tompkins, Pete Holmes, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Julian McCullough, Sheng Wang and Kristen Schaal. Here's one of my favorite clips from Patton…

It's like Sophie's Choice if I actually knew what Sophie's Choice was about. It's about World War II or something, right?

For more stand-up, don't miss the premiere of John Mulaney: New In Town Saturday at 10/9c.

Not only did Marc Maron talk to Amy Poehler on the new WTF, but he also talks about a pilot he shot based on his life co-starring Ed Asner as his father. [WTF, Punchline]

Speaking of Amy Poehler, she was recently profiled in the LA Times, where she talked about working on Parks and Recreation, "if I could have laid in bed and thought of a job, this would be it." [LA Times]

You can watch the entirety of Conan O'Brien's Dartmouth commencement speech online now. It's kind of like getting a degree from Dartmouth except your parents are still not proud of you. [YouTube]

Julian McCullough made his network TV debut on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last Friday. [LNwJF]

Here's a first look at Andy Samberg as the host of Shark Week. If you can't click because you're clicking finger is broken, it's basically just Andy wearing a suit near an ocean. [EW]

John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer and Jane Lynch have all been roped in to voice characters in a new Disney animated film Wreck-It Ralph. [Coming Soon]

Jim Norton gives a tour of his apartment and he was kind enough to cover his cum stain with sweatpants. Faaancy! [Punchline]

Merriam Webster defines meditation as, "The act or process of spending time in quiet thought : the act or process of meditating." I define meditation as, "The act or process of watching the latest episode of Sean and Julian, because it features Mario Cantone as a meditation instructor, and I like their theme song at the end. It's pretty catchy. And also the video is funny and what else are you going to do? Sit at your boring office looking at YouTube videos of cats playing soccer. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Do that after watching this video : the act or process of meditating."

Tracy Morgan will miss at least two episodes of 30 Rock because he just underwent kidney transplant surgery. Get well soon, Tracy! Every other funny person, please take care of your kidneys! [EW]

If you haven't seen Scott Gairdner's 1982 TRON Holiday Special, stretch out your clicky finger and click on this clicky link. The fate of the [TRON computer reference] depends on it! [Funny or Die]

Donald Glover takes us around some of his favorite places in New York. Me? I'll stick to hot dog stands and hanging out with heroin addicts. [Black Book]

Wyatt Cenac, Mike Birbiglia, Jenny Slate and Gabe Liedman, Julian McCullough and Dave Hill are all on This American Life's Comedians of Christmas Comedy Special. [This American Life]

Adam McKay talks about making Anchorman for his 14-year-old self and his intentions behind The Other Guys, "Laughter almost has to be subversive." [Comic's Comic]

Bryan Cranston talks about starring in the upcoming Atom.com series The Handlers, "I do look for comedies, to be able to even-keel the whole spectrum of comedy and drama and hop between both." [NY Mag]

Craig Rowin still wants those million dollars he's asking the internet to please give him. You're petty gifts of $5000 checks do not satisfy his lofty goals. [UCB Comedy]

Inspired by the It Gets Better campaign, Patton Oswalt directed a message to the person he was in high school, the "guy who hangs out with the bully and eggs him on" in order to escape their own torment. [Oswalt's MySpace]

Speaking of Patton, he was on Lapham's Quarterly's podcast reading H.L. Mencken's prose. If you don't want to hear Patton read the curmudgeonly author's writings out loud, you are but a husk of a human being, a person-shaped shell. [Lapham Quarterly]

R.G. Daniels is producing a big show called MOTHAF*@%!N' COMEDY with Julian McCollough, Sean Patton and Ali Wong (details after the jump). He wrote a great piece on why he decided to dedicate himself to producing live comedy in New York. [Facebook]

If you listen to WTF, you know Marc Maron loves to cook. He shares a Thanksgiving cooking story with a cooking site, "The idea that I could do something giving and seemingly selfless and still be the center of attention seemed magical." [Saveur]

The new web series Vag Magazine is pretty cool, bros. I like the idea of trying to get you guys to click on a video parodying a feminist magazine while using the word "bros." [Comedy Smack]

Family Guy and MADTV's Alex Borstein is developing two new shows over at Fox. One of them is animated, which is great, because if there's one thing Fox doesn't have a lot of, it's ANIMATED SHOWS! [Deadline]

In this visit to the set of John Landis' Burke and Hare, he compares his dark comedy to dramas and horror movies based on the same events, "The great irony is we are doing a comedy and it is historically the most accurate one yet." [Scotland Herald]

Due to his new job at Funny or Die, Scott Gairdner "retired" from YouTube, but don't worry, his replacement, New Scott Gairdner, is everything that people love about YouTube celebrities rolled into one. [Urlesque]

Matt Manser and Funny or Die got Joe Mantegna to wear a wig and act like a teenage girl for this video entitled Hannah Mantegna. That sentence alone is worth you clicking this, right? [Funny or Die]

Gabe and Jenny have a new Besties by Besties up online and it contains several references to butt holes, gas and poop all in under 1:20 minutes. [Vimeo]

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I know this is a controversial opinion, but if I had to decide between bedding a regular model and a supermodel, I think I would go with the supermodel. Hear me out! Supermodels make more money and can buy me an X-Box. That's what super models are famous for, right? Buying people X-Boxes? Anyway, Sean O'Connor and Julian McCullough made a funny video for Atom, directed by Zach Broussard and with a cameo by Dan St. Germain. The video is related to my weird rambling about supermodels, but how weird would it be if it wasn't?

Very funny. What a surprise that all those funny guys made a funny thing. And the models in it are all real models. That's what people in the film industry call Cinema Verité (That's not what people in the film industry call Cinema Verité).

The Internet is good for many things; most of which are not appropriate for work, all of which are free and entirely accurate. Consider Twitter, for example. Perfect!

That's why we've decided to take a quick breather from reporting comedy news, and instead let the comedians report the "real people" news to you. Believe it or not, a bunch of things happened last week. Like a whole bunch. Fortunately our favorite comedians have waged an unspoken war against ignorance by summarizing those very events in an educational manner on their Twitter accounts. Other than Naked News, this is indisputably the best way to consume the news, ever.

Here's what happened in the world last week:

The girl from The Parent Trap grew up. Wonder what happened to the other twin.

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The second installment of Comedy Central's new web series Portable Lounge has hit the internet, and it's a lot like the first one, except this one's about boxing instead of basketball and stars Jason Bateman instead of Michael J. Fox. No wait, that's The Godfather: Part II. This actually has Amy Schumer and Julian McCullough goofing around and talking about big butts in a butcher shop. Here's a clip:

Click here to watch the full episode.

Have you seen the first episode of Portable Lounge yet? If not, you should. It's got Chris Gethard and Bobby Moynihan hanging out in a bowling alley. It's all the fun of hanging out in a real bowling alley without the risks of rented footwear. There's a clip after the jump, and you can see the full episode here.

And if you like that, you'll be glad to know that the second episode premieres July 6 and features Amy Schumer and Julian McCullough in a butcher shop. It'll be all the fun of hanging out in a real butcher shop without the risks of rented footwear.

Meanwhile, mobile users can watch the current episode along with an exclusive bonus clip by going to http://on.cclol.com/PLounge on their mobile phones, or by texting “PL” to 44686 (message and data rates may apply).

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